Mandy Harvey

I can’t even tell you how much this woman has inspired me.  

This is Mandy Harvey-- she is a deaf singer.  

Mandy started singing at the age of four.  She had a beautiful voice and a great ear for pitch, and all her life she desired to pursue a career in music.  However, Mandy has a connective tissue disorder, and her freshman year of college she got sick with what she thought was simply an ear infection.  Instead, the nerves in her ears deteriorated, and within six months she had lost her hearing.  

When I first heard this story, I couldn’t get over how unbelievably devastating that is.  To love music so much and then lose your ability to hear it, how horrible.  

But there is more to her story.  

Eventually Mandy decided to see if she could get back into music.  With the use of visual tuners and muscle memory, she began to sing again.  She follows the rhythm of the music by feeling the vibrations in the floor.  Her voice is amazing.  If you listen to her sing, you would never know she is deaf, and she has one of the most beautiful voices I ever heard.  I decided to do some google and youtube-ing on her.  I found out that she mostly sings Jazz, and she has a couple albums.  (This blew my mind even more, because of all the genres of music to sing, I think jazz would be one of the hardest because of the rhythm.)  I also found out that she is a Christian, and there is a video of her giving her testimony.  

Guys, it’s incredible.  

When she lost her hearing she fell into a deep depression because, as she said, her whole identity was wrapped up in music.  When she lost that, it was like she died.  Eventually she got involved in the Deaf community and learned American Sign Language.  She found other people who had similar stories and she slowly got back on her feet again.  She said she had intended to teach jazz, she never intended to be a performer.  But she decided to sing a song for an audience one time and after it was over, as she was driving home, she had a realization. She realized that she had faced her worst fear.  Her worst fear was losing her hearing, and she had gotten through that.  If she sang in front of audiences and they didn’t like it, so what?  And just like that, God removed her fear of performing.  She began giving more performances and put out her albums, and she got many opportunities to share her story and encourage others through it.  

At the end of the day, she said, she feels like she trusts God more.  The thing she feared most in the world happened, and God helped her get through it.  This world is broken, life is never going to be perfect-- but God is there, and God redeems.  She is happy with her life, she loves sharing music with others, and her faith is stronger than before.

At first, I was blown away by this.  How could that be possible?  But then I remembered my own experience, my own testimony.  I got pregnant, and my worst fear was losing the baby.  That happened.  And God helped me get through it.  Now, looking back, I am thankful that God allowed that to happen.  This world is broken, and life is never perfect-- but God redeems.  

Suddenly, I understood.  My experience was not the same.  But the feeling I had was.  There is no way this could happen.  And God asking, will you trust me if it does?  That journey of faith is hard-- that struggle is unbelievably difficult.  But I’m so glad God allowed me to walk through it.  

Now, Mandy Harvey worships in Sign Language.  When she sings, she also signs, which makes me so happy.  I have felt for years that ASL is my “heart language”, it is the language where I can express myself so much better, and clearer, than in English.  It is the language I prefer to worship in.  It just speaks to me on such a deep level.  So when I see Mandy and hear her sing, not only do I hear her beautiful voice, but I am also blessed by watching her sign.  

It still blows my mind when I think of all the challenges that Mandy has to overcome to do what she does.  On one of the facebook posts I was reading, a woman wrote that Mandy goes to her church and often helps with worship.  I had to think about that really hard.  It is so casually mentioned.  “She helps out with worship a lot.”  Mandy can’t hear.  How does she know, when she is singing with other people, that they are singing the same thing at the same time?  How does she learn new songs?  What about when there are impromptu breaks in the songs for prayer or a few words?  How on earth does she do this?  I have no idea.  It is so easy to casually mention, but the magnitude of what she has to overcome to do this is mind blowing.  

Mandy says she shares her music because she loves to bless others.  Mandy literally goes around blessing others with her incredible voice and beautiful music-- and she can’t hear a note.  It has been a difficult and challenging season, and reading a story like this inspires me so, so much.   

I first heard of her because she auditioned for America’s Got Talent, and earned Simon’s golden buzzer.  She will be singing again on at the live show tonight, and if you all could vote for her, that would be amazing!  This incredible young lady deserves it.  

Broken

Broken.  Weak.  Tired.  Sorrowful.  Emotional.  Mess.  

These are all words that come to mind when I think of where I’m at currently.  

It has been such a hard season.  The loss of dear friends, has caused me such grief.  Greater than I even realized.  All of the changes-- so abrupt, so overwhelming.  And the conflicts James and I have had because of our stress and worry.  

It has built and built.  All of the emotion.  Until I finally just have nothing left.  Last week I reached a breaking point.  

But I reached out-- and thankfully kind hands caught me and lifted me out of despair, pointing me toward truth.  

I feel like I am slowly healing.  

I am still a mess.  I still fall apart emotionally, so easily.  So many deep emotions lurking just below the surface.  But.  I am finally coming out of this valley.  

Our kind pastor reminded me of my identity.  When I am falling apart emotionally, he pointed me to this chapter, Ephesians 1.  In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.  

There is no condemnation.  I am God’s princess.  I am dearly loved-- by God first and foremost.  But also by my family.  My family-- who have had so much grace and patience for me this week.  

This difficult season will pass.  I am beginning to see the light.  

Finding My New Identity

A year and a half ago God did a strange thing.  He changed my personality.  

Of course, all my life I have gone through gradual changes, I am always changing and growing.  

But to go through a big personality change, all at once, is a strange experience.  

He took away paralyzing fear and timidity that I have battled with all my life, and gave me a boldness and courage that I have never felt before.  

But as time goes by, I am realizing He did more than that.  My whole personality has changed.  My interests, my passions.  I feel like I am learning to know myself all over again.  It has felt a bit daunting.  Once again being in a place where I don’t know who I am, and I need to discover my identity anew.  I don’t even know where to start.  Now that I am aware of this I am keeping my eyes open.  But I just keep feeling how strange it is to be a completely different person than I used to be.  

My taste in books and music has changed.  Almost everything I used to read was fiction.  Now I am reading biographies like they are novels, and loving it.  Delving more into history and thoroughly enjoying it.  Musical artists I used to love have fallen by the wayside, while bands like Two Steps from Hell, Skillet, U2, and Newsboys have come to the forefront.  I used to think I could never get a tattoo; I didn’t even like them very much.  Now I love them.  I find them fascinating.  And I really want to get one (or multiple.)  If James were to agree.  

But this whole process has been a learning curve for him, too.  He never expected to have a wife who wanted a tattoo; now he does, and he is working through that.  He now has a wife who is struggling with her personal identity; who is, in fact, going through an identity crisis and the ups and downs of emotion that accompany it are not easy to deal with.  

I keep discovering more and more about myself; but at the same time I feel strangely adrift, like I don’t know who I am anymore.  I love what God is doing; but it is scary not knowing who you are.   This has effected my writing, too, in that I am not sure what I want to write. What interested me before interests me still, somewhat, but I also feel a strange restlessness inside that I haven't been able to decipher. Like God wants me to write something specific, and I don't know what it is. So I am searching, searching, but so far, not sure what it is. Trying to persevere through it.

Forgetting what is behind

“You’re shattered

Like you’ve never been before

The life you knew

In a thousand pieces on the floor.

And words fall short in times like these…

So get back up, take step one

Leave the darkness, feel the sun

‘Cause your story’s far from over…

Tell your heart to beat again,

Close your eyes and breathe it in.

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace.

Yesterday’s a closing door

You don’t live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you’ve been

And tell your heart to beat again…”

-Danny Gokey, ‘Tell Your Heart to Beat Again’

Lately, this song has meant a lot to me.  I just finished a griefshare class I took at the suggestion of my pastor, because I want to start something similar at my church.  What I didn’t know, as the events of the past several months have unfolded, was how much I needed this class for me.  There is something about having experienced grief that draws people together.  Saying goodbye tonight was definitely emotional.  And now I look ahead.  

This has been such a theme for me lately.  I feel like God is saying to me, “Laura, press on, run toward all that I have for you.”  What struck me was that he didn’t say walk, he didn’t say leisurely stroll, he said “run.”  It reminds me of Philippians 3:13-14, which says “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”  That verse has been on my mind so strongly lately.  Over and over in my mind it’s replayed forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.  Laura, run toward all I have for you.  Embrace the plans I have for you.  Grieve what needs to be grieved, but don’t get mired in the past-- in memories, in regrets.  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.  

I have been accepted to UNM as a non-degree student, and I am signed up for my first two classes this fall.  Now I need to begin getting everything together that I need for my official grad-school application.  It’s hard for me to believe that just over a year ago this wasn’t even on the horizon, but God has changed me, given me new hopes, dreams, and plans.  As I have looked into this program, I am incredibly excited to enter it.  I am excited to embrace this opportunity to the fullest, and when it is done, to make a difference in the lives of students, for as long as God allows me to do so.  I want to run toward that.  I want to embrace it.   It's time to tell my heart to beat again.

New Season

A new season has begun.  I hope I'm ready.
Seasons have come and gone in my life.  College, marriage, Village Inn, writing, motherhood.  Studying, working, staying at home.  And now, strangely, it seems like writing has come to the forefront again.  I didn't expect it.  Oddly enough, so often it seems like it is not until I give up my dreams that God allows them to come to pass.  I had given up the dream of really pursuing my writing; and then, unexpectedly, God has brought it to the forefront again.  I am applying to UNM's MFA Creative Writing program in the fall.  It is so exciting, and so intimidating.  I have to finish some writing samples for the classes I am taking in the fall.  I need to get advised and figure out all the little details which seem kind of overwhelming right now.  And then I have to try and wrap my mind around it all.  I can't believe I will be going back to UNM, eleven years after I started there as a freshman, and going back to school again.  I love UNM so much and I am absolutely thrilled.  Their MFA program looks like it will fit me beautifully.  And suddenly, my writing is at the forefront again.  I have also been accepted as a contributor to the Albuquerque City Mom's blog, I am still maintaining the DnD website, and I have several pieces to finish up as gifts.  I had put writing to the side for awhile, and now it is coming to the forefront again.
We are living in a new place.  Our lives are shifting, changing.  Change is hard for me.  The adjustment has been very difficult.  But I feel like I am finally beginning to see a little light in the darkness.  And apparently, the clarity on the other side has to do with me taking up my pen once again.

It's strange.  I have changed so much this past year.  A year ago, grad-school wasn't even on the horizon.  I really didn't have any desire to go.  And then God changed me-- literally changed my personality, in an instant.  Suddenly, I had different dreams, different desires, different plans.  God made it very clear that He wanted me to go to grad school and then teach.
I have been looking over some of my old stories lately, and tonight I listened to a couple of songs from Michael W. Smith's The First Decade, which is an album I listened to a lot when I was writing my first novel.  Wow.  His music sounds SO 80's.  It was a strange revelation that I didn't care for it anymore.  My style of music has changed; I have changed; my desires have changed.  It is a new season.
So let's do this.

Walk On

When the life you knew falls apart, it is easy to feel self-pity.  

That’s been happening to me lately.  I’ve been knocked down pretty hard, and it’s been hard for me to get back up.  I’m a pretty resilient person, but.  this has been difficult.  My life has completely changed.  We’re living in a new place.  The people who I saw every day aren’t there now.  Friendships have changed, shifted.  Suddenly I am facing a void of loneliness.  It took me ten years to learn how much richer relationships make my life.  Now, people are everything to me.  Relationships are more important than anything else.  And it feels like mine are falling apart.  

I don’t know how to get back up from that.  

But life is never completely empty, and kingdom work always goes on.  Always.  The ways I am battling this is focusing outside of myself.  There is writing to do, school to prepare for, husband and kiddo to work for, and new relationships to cultivate.  I’ll be honest.  It’s hard to cultivate new relationships when my heart is aching for the old.  But looking outside of myself is the only thing that helps me out of this pit of self-pity that I have fallen into so much lately.  

The circumstances are legitimately difficult.  It’s not surprised that I struggle sometimes.  But I don’t want to get stuck there.  So I’m trying.  I’m trying...

Falling In Love with a Place

Since we moved this week we don’t yet have internet at the house.  That’s okay though, since I have all my books back, I have had plenty to occupy my time.  I re-read My Friend Flicka this week.  It may be a “kids” book, but there are a lot of adult themes in it, particularly the relationship between the parents of the main character.  What really struck me, though, were Mary O’Hara’s descriptions.  I recognized, long before the book was over, that they had been written by someone who knew and loved the place she was writing about-- in this case, a ranch in the high country of Wyoming.  Only someone who knew and experienced it could put some of the little, intimate details she included.  It is a book that contains a lot of meat, a lot for me to chew on… my favorite kind of book.

My backyard, growing up.

It got me to reminiscing about my own childhood in the Jemez and the story I wrote once, The Summer I Left my Heart Behind Me, where I made the setting the place I grew up and based the main characters off myself.  When I had the story workshopped in one of my classes the parts that were most critiqued as “too perfect” or “unrealistic” were the ones I based off real life, while the “realistic” parts were the ones which came from my imagination!  I have always been highly amused by that.  But it’s true.  When you fall in love, you become more or less blind to flaws and instead see the beauty and delight of a person, place, or thing-- your views about them can seem unrealistic.

 For me, it was the mountains and conifer forests of northern New Mexico.  A place where I spent 17 years and forever lost my heart.  That love comes through in my writing.  It is supposed to come through in my writing.  For my writing was meant to convey my love of this place and my belief in the healing power of finding God in nature.  
This is a story I have never been quite satisfied with, I have never quite been able to finish.  But lately, it has been on my heart again.  Perhaps I will pick it up once more.

Joy is a Choice

Joy does not come easily or naturally to me. I tend to be rather a cynical person with a proclivity to worry. I will never forget the day when, as a teenager, I read the verse in Matthew where Jesus says, “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?” (Matthew 6:27.)  It was the first time it had occurred to me that worrying was a choice, and I could choose not to. It tied in with another verse I had recently learned, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7.)  It occurred to me that I could give my worries and cares to God. I could carry them to the foot of the cross and then leave them there. It was an intentional act that I could choose to do, and then I didn't need to carry those burdens anymore. I began to do this.  I didn’t always think to do this.  But when I did, I felt a definite relief, a lifting of burdens.  As I did it more and more it became more habitual.  I honestly don’t feel like I became a different person, because I still wake up every day cumbered with the cares of my life.  But when I realize that I am dwelling on those, I can make an intentional choice to give them to Jesus, and let them go.  When I do this, I do have the “peace that passes understanding”, and joy easily follows.  

A few years ago I had a summer that changed my life.  I was given the opportunity to work at a camp near Colorado Springs, and the experience was so life-changing that rarely a day goes by where I don’t think about lessons I learned there.  That experience put me in company with the type of Christians I had never encountered before-- people of radical faith.  I worked on the kitchen crew, and we had a great dynamic.  We enjoyed great fellowship, we got along well, we had a light-hearted comradry every day.  I thoroughly enjoyed my work days because of my co-workers.  Then one day we were grumpy.  We were frustrated.  We lacked our comradry.  Our moods rubbed off on each other.  There were accidents and mistakes.  It was just a bad day.  At one point the camp secretary came in and she noted the difference by saying, “I miss our happy kitchen.”  Me too, I miserably thought, mourning for the atmosphere I had come to enjoy and not knowing if it would be restored.  

But the next day we all came down and everything was back to normal.  We were exchanging light-hearted banter.  We were joyful.  Our happy kitchen was back.  It was just a bad day, and because all of us were seeking Christ, we were able to lay it aside and move beyond it, not letting the difficulties of a few hours dictate our reality.  

Now, I live with people like that.  People who live out their faith in a radical way.  And today, we had a day like this.  My husband, and my housemate’s husband, were both late to work and frustrated.  My housemate had something happen in one of her familial relationships that was difficult.  And I, of course, was affected by everybody else.  I thought, this was going to be a rough, miserable day.  But instead, a couple hours later both guys texted us to say they were doing much better.  My housemate was also able to rest her cares in the Lord, and was joyful.  By noon, we were all doing as well as we had ever been.  We were joyful, our household comradry was restored.  And I rejoiced once again that I have the privilege of doing life with these people.  Everyone was able to give their cares to Christ, and lay aside the difficulties of the day, not letting the unexpected circumstances dictate how the rest of the day went.  They chose Christ.  They chose joy.  And I am so proud of them.  

As I thought more about it, I was realizing how gratitude and joy are so tied together.  I have work that I love, friends and family who enrich my life, health, and beautiful things to enjoy.  Gratitude for these was, and is, a choice.  Giving my burdens to Christ and allowing them to be left at the foot of the cross-- that is a choice.  Trusting God in the midst of worrisome and uncertain situations-- that is a choice.  And every morning, I have the choice to wake up and choose joy.  

This season has been one of the hardest of my life.  I have been challenged in my circumstances again and again, and it has been difficult to make that choice in the midst of disappointment, unfilled longing and unmet expectation.  It is as though God is challenging me to continue to choose joy when it is fundamentally difficult.   It is hard.  But the fruit is good.  The fruit of these difficult days is so very good.  

And so, though I am weary, though some days I fail, I will continue.  

I will continue to choose joy.

Transparency

I recently watched the film "Ragamuffin" about the life of Rich Mullins, a singer who tragically died in a car accident about 20 years ago.  I have always enjoyed his music and knew something about his story, but watching the movie I learned a lot more.  Something I have always appreciated about Rich Mullins was his emphasis on being genuine.  At one point in the movie he asks why we struggle so hard in the church to always appear put together, when church should be a place we can come, acknowledging our sins and our struggles and helping each other.  I have felt similarly for quite awhile now; I don't feel comfortable, even in church, crying or showing weakness, and most people I see there seem pretty put together.  James reminded me when I shared this with him that everyone has struggles even though they may seem put together, and allowing them to see mine is probably something they would appreciate.  It has helped me to try and be more genuine, more myself, in that setting.  
However, as I have been thinking about this again today, I realized something.  I realized that even though I am an intensely emotional person, I try very hard to only show the emotions I want people to see.  Of course, if you live with me eventually you will see the messy side of me.  But I try to hide my emotions much of the time.  When it comes to my feelings about books, music, movies, or the news I tend to be very stoic.  I will talk about the writing style, artistic execution, and grammatical or stylistic errors; but when it comes to feelings such as "that part was sad," "that part made me happy," "I really liked this character for this reason," etc, I really don't say.  The truth is, I don't even like people to see what kind of music I listen to, because I am afraid of what they will think.  I tend to find a song that will particularly capture my attention and I will listen to it over and over again for a couple weeks... then I will find a new song, and repeat.  But I don't like sharing that with people... in fact, James is the only one I have ever shared that with... because I am afraid of what they will think.  These songs are seemingly random-- random groups, styles, lyrics, and bands.  Sometimes it is a hymn or a Christian band.  Sometimes it is classical or instrumental.  A few weeks ago it was a classic song covered by the death metal band, Disturbed.  I didn't tell anyone because I was afraid of what they would think of my fascination with this song.
So I keep that to myself.  When I am at home I listen to everything with headphones.  I am stoic during movies.  I read news stories but never comment on them.  I will engage in political or sports debates because those don't really matter or involve real deep emotion.
In short, as I have been increasingly drawn to transparency, I am becoming more aware of my lack of it, which is, to say the least, humbling.

Light in the Darkness

When I look at the world around me, what I consistently see is a cycle of death.

Death is an inevitable reality to each of us, one of the few constants that is guaranteed, and cannot be stopped or reversed.  For some it comes sooner than for others. When a young person dies I am especially saddened, both by the reality of death and by a life never lived. Death always brings consequences, whether it is the impact on the loved ones left behind, or in some cases, far more severe consequences.  Murder often leads to revenge in the form of more murder, and the cycle perpetuates itself. We as people are prone to great evil, and as history marches on, I find this truth remains universally true: evil perpetuates more evil, and atrocities lead to revenge… lead to meting out the justice we believe to be deserved.

And then, into this mix comes Jesus.  Jesus, whose teachings go completely against the tide of popular culture and logical responses. Jesus teaches us to return good for evil. To love your enemies. To forgive those who wrong you. Not to take justice into your own hands. It makes no logical sense. And yet, when I look at the world, at the perpetual and increasing cycles of destruction and death, only where the teachings of Jesus are followed do I see life and light, a light that spreads out and touches all around it. Revenge does not solve the problem, ultimately it only brings more death; but forgiveness brings life, brings hope, brings change; it can change the cycle of death.   

In addition to teaching against the tide of culture and logic, Jesus also offers us hope. Hope that there is life beyond death, that the sorrows of this world are only temporary compared to an eternal reality- and he urges us to live in view of this reality. The Bible, the book that contains Jesus’ teachings, even boldly declares, “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”

Jesus stands, a lonely figure among many, walking resolutely upstream against a rushing current, and urging us to join him.  And for those who will take the plunge, there is guaranteed great hardship, and promised great reward.

I have been thinking about one of my D&D characters (Jason), and his story.  He had an encounter recently with an odd, morose figure (a death knight) named Damocles, and over the course of their interactions Jason shared his story with Damocles. Jason’s parents were killed and his village destroyed when he was a child, and all his life he had one goal: revenge. He went on to become a soldier and fought in the war, and eventually he realized that the only person his desire for revenge was hurting was himself, so he gave that desire up.  “Whatever would make a person give up a desire like that?” Damocles wonders, and Jason gives the reason honestly and frankly: he had an encounter with the All-Maker.  

It seems strange that a single encounter could compel a person to give up a goal they have single-mindedly worked toward for 14 years. But as Jason reflected on this encounter, what he remembered was a presence so powerful, and a love so pure, that all he could do was worship. It was an experience so profound that it brought a strong man to his knees and broke down the defenses of years.

This encounter would greatly affect the events that were to follow. It was not easy for Jason to walk this new path, and as the months and weeks went by he felt as though his very foundation was being ripped out from under him. He felt lost, adrift, and undone. He was being un-made, so that he could be re-made, and his story could be redeemed.

God has been doing the same in my own life. I have lately felt undone, my foundation ripped out from under me, lost, unsure of my identity and purpose. As God has slowly led me through that valley into the light on the other side, the instrument he has used is community. We so desperately need each other. As I have seen him working through community I am reminded again and again how contrary the teachings of Christ are to the world - and how beautiful they are in contrast to the ugliness all around us.