Three years ago, God changed my personality.
Growing up, I was the shyest, most timid person you could imagine. I was totally introverted, happiest spending time by myself, and didn't really see a need for relationships. I was homeschooled, and I loved growing up in the Jemez Mountains of northern New Mexico. I took long walks in the woods and read God's story in the trees and flowers. They became like personal friends to me.
From the time I was young, I have always loved stories. My mom and I would enjoy many classics together in the mornings, and I would read myself in my free time. When I was 15 I started writing my first novel, from an idea that had been germinating in my brain for a long time. I was given an old computer that once belonged to my brother with Windows 98 on it, and I would spend hours working on it, late into the night, while I listened to my favorite music. Those hours filled were filled with the joy of creation and imagination, and are some of my pleasantest memories of my teenage years.
Completing that manuscript confirmed for me that I wanted to pursue writing further, and I applied to and was accepted into UNM's creative writing program. The first few days away from my family and the mountains were hard, but I soon formed a community through Intervarsity Christian Fellowship, and I had an amazing teacher for freshman English. I began learning the value of relationships, and I thrived socially and academically. But though I saw myself blossom in many ways, it was still a trial for me to speak up in class or deal with strangers.
Still - my time at UNM was highly gratifying and greatly shaped me into the person I am today. My dearest dream was to get married and be a mother, and while I stayed home with my children I would write books - hopefully bestsellers. Things began to look as though they were falling into place when I got engaged my senior year of college. But after that, nothing went as we had planned. We went through job losses, job gains, residence changes, and two miscarriages. Finally, after we had been married four years, I gave birth to our miracle rainbow baby, a little boy - and I got to stay home with him. It was wonderful.
When he was about a year old, God started putting other dreams in my heart. I had considered being a teacher once, but because of my shyness and timidity never thought it could happen. But God began putting this back on my heart, and as my husband and I began working on expanding our family again, God changed my personality. He removed the shyness and timidity I had battled with all my life, and gave me a boldness and passion I had never experienced before. As time moved forward and we faced secondary infertility, I felt God whispering to me that we might not have a lot of children as we once imagined, but that I would be an influence on the lives of other people's children. The idea began to thrill me.
I started looking into grad school English programs. I told my husband I wanted to go back to school, and he was supportive. I discovered UNM had a wonderful English MFA (Master of Fine Arts) program, and I signed up for two grad school classes.
My first day back at UNM, I was very nervous. It was seven years since I had been on campus as a student - seven years since I had any kind of homework routine down - and now I had a child. Plus, I had no idea what grad classes would be like. But from the first moment in the classroom I fit back into that world as though I had never left - with one major difference. I no longer battled that shyness and timidity that had kept me from fully entering into the classroom experience before. I engaged the material and entered into the classroom discussions with zeal and joy. I developed relationships and gathered tips for my upcoming grad school application.
I got A's in both classes. It was a huge confidence booster to know I could handle graduate level classes, and do well. But as the grad school application deadline loomed, I finally admitted the reality that had been rearing its ugly head for awhile - I was struggling with depression. I knew I needed to deal with my health before jumping into the stresses of grad school, so I reluctantly decided to put it off for a year.
Over the following months, I got back on track with my diet and exercise, lost weight, worked on things I loved and connected more with James and David. It was good, but in spite of it all my mental health kept deteriorating. I would become easily overwhelmed, easily irritable, susceptible to huge mood swings, increasingly self-condemning, and finally, my faith began to falter.
That was a dark time and I don't like to think about it much. But some people came alongside me and helped lift me out of that place. I started getting some help through mentoring and counseling, and at last we made the difficult decision to try medication. As day after day went by with no seeming difference, I would dissolve into tears and ask why God was allowing this to happen.
Then, finally, about three and a half weeks after I started the medication, I began to notice a difference. I did not feel as depressed all the time, and I was able to influence my feelings through positivity again. And then, I started feeling like me again. I was still susceptible to the stresses of everyday life, but I also felt joy again, I felt passionate, and my sense of humor came back. I saw my husband staring at me one morning, and when I asked him why, he said, "You're smiling. You haven't smiled much this past year. It's nice." I sadly had to acknowledge he was right, but I was happy I felt like smiling again. I felt like my old self. I never thought I would be so happy just to feel normal.
Still, this had been a long journey and it took its toll. We were tired. As the deadline loomed again, I knew I still wasn't in a place to handle the pressures of graduate school. But I didn't want to put it off another year. As I felt the dream slipping away, I held onto it with white knuckled intensity, not wanting to let it go, not ready to acknowledge that I wasn't strong enough to do it.
As I wrestled with God, He gently moved in my heart and life - never giving up on me. He provided a place so that we could move back to the country - a perfect place for us. A place, God told me, to rest and to heal. Over the past few weeks as we've settled in here, I have finally been able to let this dream go. This dream that wasn't even mine in the first place, but God's - in His time He will bring it about. For now, I am embracing this opportunity to rest. I believe I can start writing again, and there are several projects I feel God has put on my heart - hopefully you will hear more about those soon! But what makes me happiest, is that as I have surrendered to God, not understanding His plan but accepting it, once again I feel incredible joy, and beautiful peace.
As 2019 dawns, I am writing again, enjoying relationships, and thankful that my mind - and heart - are finally starting to heal.
