For a long time now I have felt that God is calling me to write about my experiences losing our babies. For awhile I couldn't. Then I felt I could, but every time I tried somehow it just wasn't right. I am willing but I just wasn't sure what it was supposed to look like. Last night, suddenly, it clicked.
After losing baby number two I went through a year of struggle. After that year I was in a place where I was able to accept that God might have different plans for us than what I had always thought-- my only question was, what those plans were. Then I thought about my writing and thought maybe I was supposed to do more with that, so for the next month I focused on drafting a novel from an idea I'd had in my mind for awhile. The writing went well, but the story took a different direction than I expected... it took a very personal turn. I did not realize this as I was writing it, but after I finished the draft and went back and read it, then I was amazed. I was writing from the perspective of my main character-- but really, I was writing my story. It was the first time since it happened that I was able to write about my pain, and it was really helpful and healing for me. That was November, 2013.
After that I laid the manuscript aside for awhile to focus on the holidays and family time, and then I was pregnant and sick all the time and didn't feel like writing. When I finally got back into writing a few months ago I looked at that manuscript, but realized it would need a lot of editing if I was to do anything with it, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to do anything with it. So I laid it aside again and worked on some other things-- journaling, essays, a short story, and the new fantasy story idea I had with James. All the while feeling this nudge from God and trying to work on that too, but as I said it never really went anywhere.
Off and on over the past two years scenes from this story will sporadically come into my mind. All this week, the past four or five days I have had one particular scene in my mind. I have been replaying it over and over and over, thinking about every detail, every conversation, every piece of furniture, the weather, everything. It has become incredibly real to me. Yesterday, God showed me two things. The first was that understanding this scene has helped me relate to what a friend has been going through this week-- something I would not have understood before. I believe the second thing is that I need to share my story through this story-- in a way that is not quite as direct as I thought, but still portrays all of my emotions, my pain, my journey. I think this is a story that is supposed to be written.
And realizing that, has made me so excited...
