Tonight when my
baby fell asleep in my arms, I just sat there awhile, rocking,
looking at his peaceful, sleeping face, loving the feel of his warm
little body snuggled against my arm. I sat there for awhile,
cherishing the moment rather than being in a hurry to put him in his
bed.
For so long, I
didn't know if I would ever be a mother to a baby here on earth, and
for a long time, I was pretty sure that wonderful experience would
never be mine. I think of that every day, and it reminds me how much
of a blessing our “miracle baby” is. I thought of that tonight
as I was rocking him... thought about how I thought I would never
have a baby here... and now I do. He is here, real, and solid. When
I see him sleeping so peacefully in my arms, my heart overflows with
gratitude to God for this blessing and joy. Being a mother is the
most wonderful thing I could ever imagine, and I am so thankful that
I am able to experience this.
Tonight I just sat
rocking him for awhile, praying for him, for his life, that he would
grow to know and love God... and then I just reflected for awhile
about how, having been through the experience of thinking we would
never have kids makes me so much more thankful, so much more aware,
of how precious this blessing is.
The title of this blog is "A Journey of Redemption." I wrote that because I am becoming increasingly aware of how my life is this journey, and it is slowly being redeemed. Things I struggle with, like anger, are being refined away. Traits I sometimes hate, like my deep emotionality, God is showing me how He those are being redeemed for His kingdom. I am also learning to understand how nothing is wasted. The unbelievable pain of losing two babies in the womb, and walking through a dessert place, and a long time in which I felt barren... this pain is being redeemed. The pain of loss is being redeemed to His glory. I had a deep faith, and the trials I had been through before did not shake it. I never thought I would be in a place where I would doubt, where I would struggle to trust, to believe in His sovereignty. The redemption of this pain has taught me to trust again-- far more deeply and strongly than ever before.
His ways are not our ways-- and for this, I am so glad. I never would have chosen to walk through this pain, but I am so thankful for what I learned through it. I am so thankful also for His timing. I was at last able to give my plans up to Him, accept we may never have children, and move on with my life. Two months later we found out I was pregnant, and I was thrown for a loop again. I had to trust God with that baby-- and sometimes it was very hard, and I was so afraid. Sometimes I am still afraid. But I trust. I do trust.
Motherhood is hard. When my baby is sick, sad, or in pain, it breaks my heart, because he is so young, so innocent, and he cannot understand what is going on. When I hear him laugh it brings such overwhelming joy and happiness to me. When he only sleeps in two hour segments all night it is frustrating, and sometimes I cry because I am so tired. But most of the time I try to just cherish the moments. Watching him grow, develop, understand more and more. Watching him delight. Watching him cry. Holding him in my arms. Seeing his peaceful face when he falls asleep. Feeling the warmth of his little body in my arms. Holding his hand. Watching his face light up when I do things he likes.
Every day I remember the two babies we lost. Every day I think of them. Also every day I remember the process of having to give up my hopes and plans, and accepting that we may never have children here. And remembering that, makes me cherish these moments, these precious moments, all the moments that God will give us, so much more.
The title of this blog is "A Journey of Redemption." I wrote that because I am becoming increasingly aware of how my life is this journey, and it is slowly being redeemed. Things I struggle with, like anger, are being refined away. Traits I sometimes hate, like my deep emotionality, God is showing me how He those are being redeemed for His kingdom. I am also learning to understand how nothing is wasted. The unbelievable pain of losing two babies in the womb, and walking through a dessert place, and a long time in which I felt barren... this pain is being redeemed. The pain of loss is being redeemed to His glory. I had a deep faith, and the trials I had been through before did not shake it. I never thought I would be in a place where I would doubt, where I would struggle to trust, to believe in His sovereignty. The redemption of this pain has taught me to trust again-- far more deeply and strongly than ever before.
His ways are not our ways-- and for this, I am so glad. I never would have chosen to walk through this pain, but I am so thankful for what I learned through it. I am so thankful also for His timing. I was at last able to give my plans up to Him, accept we may never have children, and move on with my life. Two months later we found out I was pregnant, and I was thrown for a loop again. I had to trust God with that baby-- and sometimes it was very hard, and I was so afraid. Sometimes I am still afraid. But I trust. I do trust.
Motherhood is hard. When my baby is sick, sad, or in pain, it breaks my heart, because he is so young, so innocent, and he cannot understand what is going on. When I hear him laugh it brings such overwhelming joy and happiness to me. When he only sleeps in two hour segments all night it is frustrating, and sometimes I cry because I am so tired. But most of the time I try to just cherish the moments. Watching him grow, develop, understand more and more. Watching him delight. Watching him cry. Holding him in my arms. Seeing his peaceful face when he falls asleep. Feeling the warmth of his little body in my arms. Holding his hand. Watching his face light up when I do things he likes.
Every day I remember the two babies we lost. Every day I think of them. Also every day I remember the process of having to give up my hopes and plans, and accepting that we may never have children here. And remembering that, makes me cherish these moments, these precious moments, all the moments that God will give us, so much more.
