I recently watched the film "Ragamuffin" about the life of Rich Mullins, a singer who tragically died in a car accident about 20 years ago. I have always enjoyed his music and knew something about his story, but watching the movie I learned a lot more. Something I have always appreciated about Rich Mullins was his emphasis on being genuine. At one point in the movie he asks why we struggle so hard in the church to always appear put together, when church should be a place we can come, acknowledging our sins and our struggles and helping each other. I have felt similarly for quite awhile now; I don't feel comfortable, even in church, crying or showing weakness, and most people I see there seem pretty put together. James reminded me when I shared this with him that everyone has struggles even though they may seem put together, and allowing them to see mine is probably something they would appreciate. It has helped me to try and be more genuine, more myself, in that setting.
However, as I have been thinking about this again today, I realized something. I realized that even though I am an intensely emotional person, I try very hard to only show the emotions I want people to see. Of course, if you live with me eventually you will see the messy side of me. But I try to hide my emotions much of the time. When it comes to my feelings about books, music, movies, or the news I tend to be very stoic. I will talk about the writing style, artistic execution, and grammatical or stylistic errors; but when it comes to feelings such as "that part was sad," "that part made me happy," "I really liked this character for this reason," etc, I really don't say. The truth is, I don't even like people to see what kind of music I listen to, because I am afraid of what they will think. I tend to find a song that will particularly capture my attention and I will listen to it over and over again for a couple weeks... then I will find a new song, and repeat. But I don't like sharing that with people... in fact, James is the only one I have ever shared that with... because I am afraid of what they will think. These songs are seemingly random-- random groups, styles, lyrics, and bands. Sometimes it is a hymn or a Christian band. Sometimes it is classical or instrumental. A few weeks ago it was a classic song covered by the death metal band, Disturbed. I didn't tell anyone because I was afraid of what they would think of my fascination with this song.
So I keep that to myself. When I am at home I listen to everything with headphones. I am stoic during movies. I read news stories but never comment on them. I will engage in political or sports debates because those don't really matter or involve real deep emotion.
In short, as I have been increasingly drawn to transparency, I am becoming more aware of my lack of it, which is, to say the least, humbling.
