NaNoWriMo: An Update

I have now passed 40,000 in my word count.  As I sat back this morning after penning my 40,196th word, several realizations suddenly hit me.  The first was that, since the story is now over 100 pages, it would be difficult to go back over the entire thing in one day, like I could at the very beginning.  The other realization was that there is now a lot of story contained on these pages.  I hadn't really stopped to take stock of these things before, and doing so today made me very happy.

Before I go any further, I would like to share a little background about what started this remarkable journey.  For the past few months I haven't been doing very much writing.  Part of this was due to life being pretty busy, but a bigger part had to do with lack of motivation.  I haven't been working on any big projects in awhile, but was trying to get a couple of shorter pieces (a short story and an essay) ready to submit some places by the end of this year.  However I just wasn't feeling very motivated and was in fact rather discouraged about it all.  Things weren't going where I hoped, I only had one new story idea over the course of a few months and there was a tangle in it that I just couldn't seem to work out.  It felt like a bit of a stale-mate.

I hadn't been planning to do NaNoWriMo, mainly because I wasn't sure what to write about.  I could pull out an old story idea and try to develop it, but I wasn't too keen on that.  Or I could try writing this semi-new idea, ignoring the tangle I couldn't work out but writing it anyway and see if it worked itself out.  This didn't strongly appeal to me, either, but finally my lack of motivation in other projects caused me to make the decision.  I figured doing NaNoWriMo might spark some life into my creativity again, and if it went well, I would have the first draft of a manuscript at the end of the month.  Besides, I figured, even if it wasn't any good, I have never written 50,000 words before without learning something from the process.  It might be helpful just to focus on something different for awhile, as well.

So in the last week of October I decided to throw my proverbial hat into the ring.  I laid all my other writing projects aside, and just started pouring words out on paper.  To my surprise, it has gone remarkably well.  I began to grow more interested in my characters and the world they inhabited.  I was excited to develop that more.  I dreamed out scenes and wrote them down.  I like where the story is going.  Now that I have the story idea pretty well developed, I see the areas I need to change more clearly.  That tangle I made note of earlier has worked itself out, so in revisions I will be able to implement it into the story.  I'll be honest: it's messy.  There are long paragraphs and random conversations and short, choppy sentences... and probably too many semicolons.  But at least it is something solid now, not just a part of my imagination floating randomly around waiting for expression and development.
  
As usual when writing a story, there have been surprises.  Unexpected things have happened.  I think one of the biggest for me has been how personal the story has become.  I wasn't planning on that.  The other day I was writing a passage and the realization hit me that I was no longer writing my character's story-- I was writing mine.  Because my character was going through an experience I had been through, so I naturally understood the emotions that followed and began writing them down.  It surprised me, however, because I have struggled to write about those things before.  It has been emotional, and healing for me.  I feel like after this I can write my own story down, and continue processing through these things, which will be good.

Perhaps the biggest thing this process has done for me is that it has re-awakened my passion for writing.  Even if nothing else comes out of this story, I will be thankful for that.  As I was reflecting earlier today the thought came to me that it must look very strange to those of you looking on from the outside.  After all, these characters aren't real-- the world they live in isn't real.  So why do I get so much joy and fulfillment in writing about them?  It really doesn't change my life at all, at the end of the day my circumstances are just the same.  And the answer I came up with was, because I believe I am doing the work I was meant to do.  I think most people feel the same way when they are doing something they are truly passionate about.  That can be a whole range of things.  Science, cooking, serving, building, programming, painting, dancing, music.  Whatever God calls you to do.  When you are doing it, there is a certain excitement which only such work can evoke.  So while it might seem strange, might not make sense that what makes me passionate is entering into the worlds of my imagination and putting them down on paper, perhaps you can understand it from the perspective that this is the passion that God has put inside of me-- and in it's fulfillment, there is joy. :-)

A Writer Again

I have been struggling some lately with knowing who I am... my identity, specifically, my identity as a writer.  It's odd, identity is never something I have really struggled with before (which I am thankful for.)  And ever since I was fifteen years old I had my eyes on a goal and walked unswervingly toward it.  Writing.  But lately I have not really felt like a writer.  My creative impulse has seemed to have waned.  Life events intervened as well-- work, housework, and other events.  It was hard to find concentrated amounts of time to devote to writing.  I hadn't had any new ideas in awhile.
So as National Novel-Writing Month loomed I wasn't sure if I was going to participate or not.  I had an idea that I had been thinking about for awhile, but I still didn't feel it was very well developed and I wasn't sure it would go anywhere.  Should I try it?  I tried this "fly by the seat of your pants" method once before, in 2008, with moderate success, and out of that effort I created some of my favorite characters to date.  But other times I have tried it have been a flop.  My other successful NaNoWriMo effort came with lots of planning, outlining, and plot and character sketches.
I deliberated all the way up to the last part of October.  But there is just something about creating a story and challenging myself in conjunction with thousands of other writers, so I decided I'd try.  To my surprise, it has gone well so far.  I am not ahead of my word count, but I have kept up with my goals, and so far I love how the story is developing.  And I think I have plenty of plotline left to continue working it out-- hopefully all the way to 50,000 words!  And the creative impulse and the joy of writing has been awakened in me again.  I feel alive again... excited... happy.  Eager to pursue the storyline further.
Then, today, something else happened which made me very excited.  I came up with a new story idea.  I haven't come up with a brand new story idea in a very long time, and that fact has been kind of discouraging to me.  I forgot how amazing it is to have an idea come-- suddenly I see characters and scenes and I am following them through various events and eager to see what happens next.  In this case it came through a dream.  I woke up out of a vivid dream this morning and suddenly there was a scene and characters I wanted to know better.  I have been following them most of the day and I love these characters.  I can't wait to find out more about them.  It is so cool to suddenly have new characters that you love to add richness to your life-- and re-affirm your love of writing and joy in creation of stories.
I feel like a writer again!  It makes me so happy :-)

Writing for an Audience of One

I am an impatient person; it is very hard for me to wait for things.  To this day I can hardly sleep Christmas eve night because I am so excited to open presents.  This applies to smaller examples, as well.  When I decide to get a haircut I get so excited, I want it to happen right away and it's very difficult to wait.  When I cook, it is so hard for me to wait for things to come out of the oven.  I grow very impatient over the process of things that require slow-cooking.  Standing in line at the grocery store.  Sometimes I just have trouble sleeping because I am so eager for it to be the next morning simply so I can be up and about, doing things; even if it is only cleaning house.  That seems to be how I am built.  If someone comes up with a good idea, I generally jump up and say, "Let's do it right now..."
Well, lately this impatience has manifested itself in another way.  Lately, I have had trouble writing, and I think that trouble is tied to this same tendency to be impatient.  I know God has called me to write; and lately I have been thinking a lot about Kingdom work, and wanting to do something big for the Kingdom... but as I said in my entry about cookies a few weeks ago, God doesn't always call us to do big things.  When I have looked at my writing, I think I have correctly thought "How can I best leverage this talent for the Kingdom?"  Where I have been incorrect has been to think, "It's not worth writing unless it reaches X number of people."  I was talking this over last night with my husband and realized my error.  The truth is, God may have called me to only write for an audience of one.  I may never be famous.  My writing may never go very far.  But ultimately, all that matters is being obedient; writing what God wants me to write, what God has called me to write.  The rest is in His hands.  If He wants to do something with it, He will.  I hope and pray He uses me as an instrument to His glory.  But ultimately, my focus needs to be on writing what He wants me to write, nothing else.   
And it brought me to a sobering reality.  I confessed to James that every time I work on a book manuscript I want it to be "the one" that goes far, that gets published, that does big things for the Kingdom.  He gently but firmly told me the truth-- it probably won't be.  The truth is, I will probably write many books that don't get published and aren't very good.  However, I should still write them.  There is still a purpose for them.  And I know that's true.  Every time I have written a 40,000+ word manuscript I have grown and matured as a writer.  Each experience is valuable.  It can also be discouraging to look back, after I have grown, and realize the flaws and mistakes in that story, and lay it sadly aside before turning to the next project. 
As I have reached the ripe old age of 25(!) the urgency I feel to make an impact for the Kingdom has grown greater; the impatience to do something "big".  I have been thinking, when will I publish an amazing book, when will my writing really get somewhere?  And wanting to get it all done right now and then getting frustrated when I realized the impossibility of that.  But my focus has been all wrong.  I realize it now.  It is not wrong to feel urgency to make the most of every moment.  However, it is unrealistic to expect that at the age of 25 I will have it all figured out.  And most of all, it is wrong to let that be my focus, instead of what God wants of me, and allowing God to use me. 
So that is where I am right now.  Adjusting my focus, dealing with the severe reality check that I will probably write many "bad" books before I write a good one.  But mostly just trying to trust everything to God, and allow Him to use and guide me and my writing. 

A New Project

Has God ever ministered to you through something you wrote years ago and then all but forgot about?  Makes me think it wasn't me writing it in the first place...

I have been reading over an old manuscript lately, one that I haven't picked up in years.  It has been really cool to read it, because I wasn't sure what story I was supposed to be working on currently, but now I think I know.  When I first wrote this story it was for National Novel-Writing Month-- my first attempt at NaNoWriMo.  The journey of writing it is something I will never forget.  It was consuming.  I spent every spare minute at it, often scribbling notes in class and working out dialogue as I walked between classrooms.  But perhaps the oddest, and coolest, part of it was that much of the time I felt it really wasn't me writing it, but rather that I was simply being used as an instrument.
The manuscript has many faults.  As a writer four years more mature they stand out glaringly.  But the story is good, I feel.  It embodies true emotion.  The pace is good, the characters interesting.  Perhaps the most surprising thing, though, was when I came to parts I had completely forgotten about and discovered the dialogue I was reading was ministering to me in the place I am currently at.
When I first wrote the story, I had never gone through what my characters were experiencing.  Now, I have; and I am amazed to find I don't feel the emotions untrue.  Somehow, before I ever went through these experiences, God allowed me to feel those emotions.  And now He is using some of that to comfort me.  How good, and how amazing He is!

This experience, and getting re-acquainted with the story and the characters, has renewed my desire to share them.  So for the present at least, this is the story I am going to (re) take up.  

Homesick

I took a walk tonight in the view of an oncoming storm.  I was feeling a little discouraged that the weekend is nearly over and a long work-week starts tomorrow.  But as I was thinking and praying about it I realized some things: I have a good job, that I understand and enjoy.  I have an opportunity to make some people's day a little brighter.  I have good co-workers and good bosses now, who have given me the schedule I wanted.  I have an imagination which I can put to use during the down times at work, so that I can write when I get home.  I am blessed. 
All that said, I will admit there are places I would rather be and tasks I would rather be doing.  Ideally I wish I could live in the country again, surrounded by pine trees and mountain peaks.  It's so easy to take things for granted when you see them every day; I grew up among such scenes as these and I often did take them for granted, but when I left I left my heart behind me.  I feel out of place among apartments and city streets.  Lately I have been rather homesick. 
When I hear Heaven described in terms of magnificent cities and streets of gold, it sounds majestic and amazing to me, but not strongly appealing.  For me, the idea place would be in the mountains, where I could hear the wind whisper in the tops of the tall pine trees.  I hope the place that is being prepared for me might be something like that. But I am content to leave that in God's hands.  I know on the day that my "faith becomes sight", I won't want anything else. 
It encourages my heart to remember that I'm just passing through, and this life isn't forever.  I am blessed, and I am not alone.  And so, fortified with that knowledge, I will walk forward into the coming week. 

Desert Rain

"When I was locked inside my head
When I was lost in a maze of doubt
You called my name and woke me up
You called my name and led me out

And when I chased one more mirage
'til I was tired and parched again
You gave me one more cup to fill
You sent me one more desert rain..."
                     -Peter Furler, I'm Alive

I feel like I'm in a desert place right now, both literally and spiritually.  I have been feeling very "dry" lately; but it seems like when I reach the place of being most dry and parched, God always sends me "one more desert rain."
A desert rain is one of the most wondrous things I've ever experienced.  Rain is a rare and precious thing in the desert-- a welcome breath of moisture and freshness.  It is all the more precious because of its rarity.  I love to watch a desert storm, and then after it has passed and darkness has fallen, to step outside.  I get the very essence of the desert then-- the cool, refreshing air, the sounds of some residual drops falling off the foliage, songs of the crickets who have ventured bravely out.  But the thing I notice most is the smell.  After the rain has laid the dust and cooled the dryness, the smells of the desert foliage come out with particular pungence-- cactus, sage and rosemary, various desert flowers.  It is beautiful.    
I am in a place I never expected to be; I have gone through some things I never thought I would go through.  All my dreams, my plans, my idols, are being slowly stripped away.  It is a difficult and painful process, and at the end of the day it leaves me unsure of who I am and what I am supposed to be doing.  It leaves me dry and filled with longing.  And then, when I reach this place, God sends me one more desert rain.
Where I live, desert rain often means a heavy shower lasting for quite awhile, and when it happens the arroyos can fill with water and flash-flooding can occur.  "Flooding" isn't a word one associates much with the desert, but here this flash flooding is a real danger to watch out for.  Flash flooding can occur very suddenly, be overwhelming, and sweep you away if you are caught in it.
In the same way, when God sends me a much-needed desert rain, it is usually not a drizzle; it is overwhelming.  When I am in this dry place I will struggle to write, pass over old, stale ideas I have thought too much about, strive in vain to come up with something new, feel discouraged about my efforts in this and everything else.  But when God speaks to me, I know who I am again.  He touches me, and inspiration washes over me like a flood.  Suddenly I will have so many ideas I can't get them down fast enough.  Everything around me inspires me with some new thought.  I feel alive and eager to work.  
This doesn't mean I have left the desert.  I am still in that dry, desert place.  I still have periods of emptiness when I desperately need God to fill me up.  But He always does.  Always, just at the moment I need it, God sends me "one more desert rain", and gives me the strength to go on, to take one more step.
I hope eventually He will lead me out of the desert.  But while I am here He is using it; this experience will not go to waste.  Being in this place of dryness increases my dependence on Him-- and when I reach the end of my strength I find the truth in His promise, "My grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in weakness."  (2 Corinthians 12:9, emphasis mine.)

Cookies and the Kingdom

Lately I have been looking for something “big” to do for the Kingdom of Heaven; but the task that keeps falling into my lap is making cookies.

God has a sense of humor. All you have to do is say “I will go anywhere but here,” or “I will do anything but this,” and often that is the very place or the very task God will send you or give you. The wonderful thing about God is, though, that His plans are always best. I once said I did not want to go to UNM, because I didn't want to live in Albuquerque. I diligently searched for other schools and fervently hoped I'd get to go to one of them; but in the end, God sent me to UNM, and I had an amazing undergrad experience. I have no regrets about going there, and I even learned there are some very likeable things about Albuquerque. :-)

But lately I have had to smile over something else that happened-- smile because once again God moved in a way I didn't expect, but at the same time He taught me something very valuable. Back in college a friend's mother sent him back to school after a weekend at home with some amazing tasting cookies. I asked if he could get a copy of the recipe for me. I made a few modifications myself, and ended up by accident with a wonderful chocolate chip cookie recipe.

Shortly after I started looking for my “big” thing all these opportunities to make cookies started coming up. My husband asked me if I could make some to share at work, and then there was a request to send cookies on the youth group retreat, and then I brought them another week for snack at youth group, and then my husband had another work event; I even had the opportunity to bring some to my work.

When all the requests for cookies started coming in, I actually kind of resented it, because I felt it was taking my already precious time away from doing my as-yet-undiscovered “big” thing. But the opportunities kept coming, and slowly God changed my perspective. My husband's co-workers loved the cookies. The youth group was overjoyed to have them on their long drive to their retreat. And the day I brought them into work happened to be a day one of the cooks was having a particularly bad time... the cookies made his day a little better. I brought enough for the swing shift to sample and also the graveyard shift. I have received requests to bring them again.

It doesn't feel like much. But maybe it's more than I realize. If God can use cookies to bless the people around me, isn't that worth it? In the end, what really matters is being faithful to what God has called me to do. I asked him for something big to do for His kingdom. He said bake cookies. And more cookies. :-) What I have learned is to rejoice that I have something I can do, instead of repining because it isn't bigger or more important. God has been teaching me a lesson through all this-- a lesson in being faithful toward the little things as well as the big, and having a willing heart to do whatever God asks, even if it isn't always what I had planned.

“Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.” -Ecclesiastes 9:10

“Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.” -Colossians 3:17

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord, rather than for men... it is the Lord Christ whom you serve.” -Colossians 3:23-24

"I regret that I have but one life to lose for my country."

The above words were spoken by an iconic hero of the American Revolution, Nathan Hale, just before his death. He was hanged as a spy after he was caught by the British troops behind enemy lines on a reconnaissance mission for General Washington. He was just twenty-one years old.

Recently I have been doing some research on this riveting figure of the American Revolution, and I found out some things I didn't know before.

I found out that to his contemporaries, Nathan Hale was known for his deep faith. He was known as a man of prayer, and he was not ashamed of his beliefs; rather, he often spoke of them and prayed with his men.
I found out some other interesting things. Hale attended Yale at the age of 14, graduating four years later with honors.  He spent the next two years teaching school, and probably at some point meant to become a minister. He had some rather advanced ideas about women's education, and for awhile he offered classes to young ladies between five and seven in the morning, offering to teach them the same things their brothers were coming to learn later in the day.  Hale was an ardent patriot and he joined the army shortly after the outbreak of the war, being given a lieutenant's commission.  People who knew him later remembered him as a very kind, compassionate person, who divided his extra pay with his men during lean times and visited and prayed with soldiers who were sick.  
Before he actually saw any action in the war, however, George Washington sent out his inquiry asking for volunteers to go on an intelligence gathering mission behind enemy lines. I was surprised to find out that the view of Hale's mission back then was very different from how we view it today. Today, we view Hale's mission with the sort of glamor we attach to modern-day spies, and praise him for his brave death. But back then, spying was not looked upon with favor-- it could cost a person their reputation as well as being immediately punishable by death.
When Washington inquired (through one of his officers, Captain Knowlton) for volunteers to go behind enemy lines and gather information on enemy troop movements, it appeared at first Knowlton would have to report his failure to Washington. As one man stated, "I am willing to be shot, but not to be hung." But then the youngest officer of the group, Nathan Hale, agreed to undertake it. According to one of the articles I read, he “saw an opportunity to serve, and he did the duty which came next at hand.”
For over a week Hale gathered his information, and then on his way back to safety he was caught and brought to General Howe, who sentenced him to death without the formality of a trial.
Hale spent the night locked in a greenhouse on the estate, and the next day was hung from an apple tree. The soldiers who witnessed Hale's execution later noted with surprise how calm he was. I believe this was because of Hale's deep faith-- he knew in Whom he believed.
And so it was that a promising young life was cut short. Nathan Hale was only twenty-one years old when he died. I had several emotions when I read his story; the first was sorrow that it unfolded that way; sorrow that so promising a life should be cut short, instead of continuing on for long years of usefulness.
But then I had some other thoughts. The Revolutionary War continued for eight long years after Nathan Hale's death-- it is altogether likely he could have died in one of the battles and his name sunk into oblivion like so many other soldiers who fought in that war. Instead he was given a platform, and he used it well. The other thing that struck me was how Nathan Hale lived his life. He graduated among the top of his class from Yale. He was a hard worker and he made the most of his opportunities. He reached out to an often marginalized group-- women-- by offering them education. This required extra work and effort on his part. He was known for his deep faith and his kindness toward the people around him. He had a strong sense of duty which he lived out by volunteering for a mission that was distasteful to others, and which put himself at great personal risk. Even knowing this, he went, and unfortunately, he ended up paying the ultimate price. He died a courageous death, and he left behind a legacy of faith and kindness, a legacy of duty and obedience, and of course, a legacy of bravery in the face of great odds. And so, despite the tragedy, his story also has factors of redemption.  

Letter from a Cubs' Fan to Tom Ricketts Regarding the Proposed Changes to Wrigley Field and the Chicago Cubs

Tom Ricketts, Chairman of the Chicago Cubs

Dear Sir,

I am writing this letter regarding your proposed changes to Wrigley Field and the Chicago Cubs in general. I wish with all my heart you would reconsider.

Firstly, part of the charm of Wrigley Field consists in it's age and the sense of history attached to it. It has been slow to change with the changing years and that is one thing I love about it. (And not just myself, but Cubs' fans world over.) I remember well the first year I had the privilege of watching a Cubs game at Wrigley Field: it was in July 2007, and they were playing the St. Louis Cardinals. I immediately fell in love with the look and feel of the ballpark; the towering columns, the outfield ivy, the breeze off Lake Michigan, the wide open feel of the place. All of the other ballparks I have been to have been very modernized, with advertising everywhere and jumbo TV's flashing distractions constantly. I hated it. Wrigley Field does not have these things and implementing them would ruin the look and feel of the place, and hurt me very much.

Secondly, you claim the team needs the revenue that these advertisements etc. would generate. You claim we have to catch up to our large-market competitors in revenue. According to USAToday, CBS sports, and several other sources, the Cubs current payroll is $104,150,726. This is twice Tampa Bay's, who have sent a team to the World Series twice in recent years. The Cubs have bought several high-profile players recently and had plenty of money to do it (most notably, the highly toted free agent Alfonso Soriano). Wrigley Field is sold out almost every single game-- with tens of thousands flocking to the ballpark even on weekday afternoon games. What exactly does the team need more revenue for?

And lastly, you claim you want to modernize the club even more by adding more evening games into the schedule. Yet there is no shortage of fans even on afternoon games, and the tradition of afternoon games is deeply rooted in the Cubs history; it is an endearing part of a club that clings to old-school traditions. I am proud that Wrigley Field was the last ballpark to get lights, and that they play more afternoon games than any other team. I love that about them, I do not want that to change. I don't want the Cubs to become more “modern”! What I love so much about them is that they are one of the last ball teams who have refused all of the changes and the rush to become “modern.”

I beg that you would reconsider. I do not believe these changes are in the best interests of the Cubs or their fans. I think the things you wish to change are some of the very things that endear this team and ballpark to their fans, and you would do wrong to take those away.

Sincerely,

A Cubs' Fan

The Easter Bunny vs. The Cross

Tonight when I was doing some grocery shopping I saw a large purple Easter bunny set up on top of one of the aisles.  The sight saddened me, because I couldn't help thinking about the symbol I wish was there instead, the image that symbolizes Easter to me: a cross, and an empty tomb.
I love Easter, because it is a time to remember the greatest event that ever took place in human history.  It is because of this event I have hope.  Because of this event, recent loss has not become despair, and even in the midst of sorrow and uncertainty I can walk forward in faith, and in joy.  But this event was not an easy one.
It involved betrayal, unfaithful intercessors, unjust accusations, horrendous pain, and blood and tears.  It tested the depth of human pain, endurance, and emotion as one who had never sinned had nine inch nails driven into his hands and feet as he was crucified for the sins of others.
However, the story doesn't end there.  It continues with a new dawning, and an empty tomb.  And all of the sorrow, pain and heartache was turned into unbelievable joy.  Jesus is alive.  Jesus paid the price of our sin, so we can have a future and a hope.  Anything the world has to offer doesn't begin to compare with that.