I Finally Understand

For a long time now I have felt that God is calling me to write about my experiences losing our babies.  For awhile I couldn't.  Then I felt I could, but every time I tried somehow it just wasn't right.  I am willing but I just wasn't sure what it was supposed to look like.  Last night, suddenly, it clicked.

After losing baby number two I went through a year of struggle.  After that year I was in a place where I was able to accept that God might have different plans for us than what I had always thought-- my only question was, what those plans were.  Then I thought about my writing and thought maybe I was supposed to do more with that, so for the next month I focused on drafting a novel from an idea I'd had in my mind for awhile.  The writing went well, but the story took a different direction than I expected... it took a very personal turn.  I did not realize this as I was writing it, but after I finished the draft and went back and read it, then I was amazed.  I was writing from the perspective of my main character-- but really, I was writing my story.  It was the first time since it happened that I was able to write about my pain, and it was really helpful and healing for me.  That was November, 2013.

After that I laid the manuscript aside for awhile to focus on the holidays and family time, and then I was pregnant and sick all the time and didn't feel like writing.  When I finally got back into writing a few months ago I looked at that manuscript, but realized it would need a lot of editing if I was to do anything with it, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to do anything with it.  So I laid it aside again and worked on some other things-- journaling, essays, a short story, and the new fantasy story idea I had with James.  All the while feeling this nudge from God and trying to work on that too, but as I said it never really went anywhere.

Off and on over the past two years scenes from this story will sporadically come into my mind.  All this week, the past four or five days I have had one particular scene in my mind.  I have been replaying it over and over and over, thinking about every detail, every conversation, every piece of furniture, the weather, everything.  It has become incredibly real to me.  Yesterday, God showed me two things.  The first was that understanding this scene has helped me relate to what a friend has been going through this week-- something I would not have understood before.  I believe the second thing is that I need to share my story through this story-- in a way that is not quite as direct as I thought, but still portrays all of my emotions, my pain, my journey.  I think this is a story that is supposed to be written.  

And realizing that, has made me so excited...

Putting the NL Wild Card Game into Perspective

Old school baseball.  I love it.  This is going to be an amazing series.  It is going to be a series that pits the best against the best.  It is going to be youth vs experience.  The Cardinals seasoned players vs. the Cubs rookies.  Mike Matheny, who only has three years managerial experience vs Joe Maddon, who has been managing 22 years and took the Rays to the World Series in 08.

There are two words which are bandied around a lot in baseball these days-- “pitch count.”  The idea is to preserve the pitcher’s arm and perhaps extend his career by keeping him to 100 pitches or less.  Some managers consider this a hard-and-fast rule, to the point I feel it is damaging and can undermine a pitcher’s confidence.  Some managers don’t worry so much about it.  And then there are managers like Tony Larussa, who gave himself a bigger bullpen and specialized pitcher to batter, sometimes bringing in a pitcher to face just one batter or throw one pitch.  The point is, in the old days a pitcher finished the game no matter how long it took.  These days you almost never hear of that, but a very close eye is kept on “pitch count.”

Last night the Cubs won their first playoff game in 12 years.  I have only been a Cubs fan for 11 years, so this was the first time I have ever seen the Cubs win a playoff game.  Granted, it was a game they shouldn’t have had to play in the first place because they had such a good record that if they had been in any other division they would have won it.  Ironically, the teams with the top three best record were all in the National League Central, so the Cubs played their division rivals, the Pittsburgh Pirates, in the National-League Wild Card game.  This is a one-game wild-card playoff game, and the winner plays in the National League Division Series.  I know… they only started doing this two years ago, and it is confusing.  But anyway, by this weird coincidence the Cubs played the Pirates, a team they have played four or five times already this season, the last series being just a couple weeks ago, the second-to-last series for both teams.

It’s been an amazing season for the Cubs.  When the Cubs brought in Theo Epstein and started doing all this team revamping and acquiring of young talent I was dubious.  After their rather miserable last couple seasons I was pretty sure that if it was going to work, it would take a few years.  I was thinking 2016, 2017 they might be contenders.  But not this year.  Then they signed Jon Lester, one of the most in-demand free agent pitchers on the market, one who could have had his pick of teams, but chose the Cubs because he wanted to help them become playoff contenders.  And then they signed Joe Maddon.

Joe Maddon was the manager of the Tampa Bay Rays for quite a few years.  The Rays are the team that has the lowest budget in the American League, they had no big-name players and were consistently the cellar-dwellers of the American League East.  Joe Maddon came in, made some major changes to the atmosphere in the clubhouse, and the Rays won not only the division, but went on to the World Series.  It was amazing.  So when the Cubs signed him, I began have a little bit of hope that some positive changes were coming.  In a year or two.

I’m not ashamed to admit I was wrong, and I give props to Epstein and Maddon.  Maddon took a young, inexperienced bunch of players and helped them form a cohesive, competitive team.  Long story short… they won 97 games this year, a great record.

Wednesday was the wild-card playoff, and it was one of the best games I’ve ever seen, in no small part because of Jake Arrieta.  I love reading stories of the old baseball greats, but to see a someone who is having a season rivaling (and exceeding) some of the best pitchers in baseball history is absolutely cool and amazing… and he is on my team!  Jake Arrieta has gotten consistently better and better as the season has gone on, to the point he is unbeatable, unhittable, and absolutely dominant.  The last twenty games of the season he had a .75 era, which is the best in baseball history over a twenty game stretch.  Yes, you read that right, the best in baseball history… ever.

He’s the guy the Cubs sent to the mound on Wednesday, and as expected, he dominated the Pirates.  The Pirates were unable to capitalize at all, and Arrieta stayed calm even in scary situations like when the bases were loaded due to an error in the sixth… he just stayed calm, kept pitching, and got the double play ball.  Inning over.  He struck out 11, gave up no walks, 4 hits, and zero runs.  He threw 113 pitches through the complete game.  As the seventh inning came up we were starting to wonder if they were planning to bring anyone in, but nobody was warming up and Arrieta batted for himself.  When he came out in the eighth I began to think the plan was to leave him in for the whole game… and I was right.  Maddon had complete confidence in him and Arrieta went the distance.  I found out later this was the plan all along.  Unless things got really, really bad, Maddon had no plans to pull Arrieta, at all.  When asked what Arrieta’s pitch count was, the answer was “infinity.”  Old school baseball.  The pitcher goes out and finishes what he starts, doesn’t leave his work in the hands of some reliever.  Beautiful.

Arrieta later gave credit to Dexter Fowler and his teammates for scoring in the first inning, and I agree, this was big too, to get the momentum on the Cubs side and cool off the (very excited) crowd a little.  The Cubs scored three runs early and I am sure this helped bolster Arrieta’s confidence.  But seriously, seeing a pitching performance like that… just, wow.

Another cool thing that happened during the game happened in the seventh.  Arrieta grazed two of the Pirates batters earlier in the game with pitches that got out of his control-- barely hitting them, clearly unintentional.  Then when Arrieta came up to bat with two outs in the top of the seventh the first pitch hit him in the ribcage.  The benches and bullpens cleared and players stormed the field.  Punches were thrown.  Through it all Arrieta remained pretty calm.  The game resumed after a few minutes with Arrieta on first and the top of the lineup.  The first thing Arrieta did was steal second base.  You never see pitchers steal, and it was only the fifth time in post-season play a pitcher has stolen a base.

It made me so happy because that is the way you should respond to a situation like that.  Instead of getting revenge by hitting their guy, Arrieta responded through gameplay.  It’s like, “Ok, you want to put me on base?  I’ll put myself in scoring position!”  Maddon never called for any intentional hpb revenge on the Pirates players.  They responded by playing the game.  That’s class.

The Cubs struck early and hard.  The young players stepped up.  And Arrieta was given the opportunity to show everyone one of the most dominant post-season pitching performances ever.  Afterwards Arrieta gave credit to the Pirates pitcher, Gerrit Cole, saying he is an amazing pitcher and they knew they would have to work hard to beat the Pirates.  I love this Cubs team.  I love the energy, the class, the talent, and the atmosphere that Maddon brings to the clubhouse.  Maddon would say afterwards that their philosophy is to play the same way every single day-- not treating any one game as different or more important than another.  He also talks about the importance of having fun and not letting the pressure get to you (HUGE for the Cubs), and he compared Arrieta to Bob Gibson, one of the greatest pitchers of all time.  He said pulling Arrieta would have been like pulling Bob Gibson out of a playoff situation.  No, he intended to let him go all the way and finish it.  As a result, we got to see one of the greatest pitching performances ever, and the Cubs made it look easy beating the second best team in baseball in a playoff game away from home.

At first I was disappointed they had to play in this wild-card playoff game.  But I’m not anymore.  For the Cubs, it was a good first taste of the playoffs.  Now they are going to St. Louis with the experience of having won a playoff game away from home under their belt.  They can ride the momentum to hopefully another playoff win away from home.  They showed that they are very good and they can get it done.  This game was a very big deal, and it could be pivotal to their momentum down the line.   

Now they are traveling to St. Louis to play the best team in baseball, who also happens to be the Cubs’ historical division rivals.  I know the Cubs too well to be disappointed if they lose.  But yesterday showed me what they can do.  Also, the Cubs have won 4 of the last 6 games they have played against the Cardinals, and Jon Lester pitches today.  If they do win and go on, perhaps to the World Series, I also will no longer be surprised.  I have legitimate reason to hope that Joe Maddon’s philosophy about how to play the game, combined with his funny gimmicks, like pj parties and bringing zoo animals to the clubhouse, might actually dispel the unbelievable pressure I have seen the Cubs break under before and allow them to play with all the talent I know they possess.  If they can do that, they have a legitimate shot of going all the way.   

But win or lose, we are going to see some amazing, old-school baseball this weekend.

I can’t wait.

Cubs 2015

Joe Maddon is amazing.  Seriously.
I loved his response to an incident that happened yesterday in the game vs the Cardinals regarding a hit-by-pitch incident.  He is logical, down to earth, straight forward, loyal to his players, tells it like it is, creates a great atmosphere, and knows baseball.  The Cubs are six back of the Cardinals in the division, a game behind the Pirates.  I am super bummed that the Cubs have such an amazing record and yet are in danger of finishing third in their division.  I saw a stat the other day that said the Cubs could have the best third-place finish since 1960.  I found this rather depressing, but Maddon had a different, and really cool response.  It's been rather depressing to be a Cubs fan the past few years, but things are finally starting to happen.  The Cubs are going to the post-season for the first time in seven years (granted, it will probably be in a wild-card spot, and they could lose immediately in the one-game wild card playoff, or, if not there, they will face the Cardinals in the NLDS and I don't have much hope for that matchup.)  But win or lose, it is all very exciting, not only for this season but because of the promise of next season.  Things are only looking up.

 

One Year

I can’t believe this little guy is 1!  
The time went by so fast.  It is amazing to see him grow and develop daily.  He loves crawling everywhere and climbing on everything.  He is almost walking.  He is stubborn, and gets upset when he can’t get what he wants; but most of the time he is pretty happy.  He loves being chased (especially by Dad!) and playing “peek-a-boo”.  He can say a few words and babbles all the time.  He eats a ton and is growing like a weed.  Lately he has been sleeping well (9-10 hours at night with a nap in the afternoon.)  He likes playing with his cousin Robert and with house-mate Sunder.  He is a happy, healthy, mischievous, energetic, fun-loving youngster.     

After praying for a child for four years and experiencing two losses, the verse God gave me when I became pregnant with David was, “sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”  That has proven to be true, as David is a blessing and a joy, a true ray of sunshine in our lives.  My prayer for him is that he will, like his Biblical namesake, “follow hard after God.”  I pray he will love and serve God all his days.  I could ask for no greater gift than that.  

We love you so much, Davey.  Happy birthday!

Same-sex Marriage, Abortion, and Cheating

Today the Supreme Court of the United States voted 5-4 to make same-sex marriage legal in all 50 states.  All day I have been seeing responses on facebook from both sides, some rejoicing, some very sad, some very ominous.  Surprisingly, I don't really feel very much when I read this news.  I am saddened.  I believe same-sex marriage is wrong.  I am also not surprised.  And I know any response from me really won't make any difference, anyway.  There is no point wasting my anger on this.  

Now, the above statement can be taken several different ways, so before anyone gets up in arms, let me clarify.  I feel very much about this as I do about the abortion issue.  For much of my adolescent and adult life I was extremely passionate about changing legislation regarding abortion.  I would vote for pro-life candidates and urge others to do the same.  I would avidly follow politics and hope and pray and work and sign petitions.  I would rejoice whenever pro-life legislation was enacted, and I would weep when it was struck down by a judge.  Overall, however, I began to feel discouragement and despair, because there seemed to be so much opposition.  It did not seem possible that Roe v. Wade would ever be reversed.

I was in that place when God spoke to me one day.  I had a dream-- playing through my subconscious was a pivotal scene from the movie Amazing Grace.  William Wilberforce and Clarkson find William Pitt, the Prime Minister, when he is golfing.  For 20 some years Wilberforce has been introducing his anti-slavery bill to the Parliament, and every year it was struck down.  This time, they tell Pitt, they are not going to introduce an anti-slavery bill.  Instead, they are going to "cheat", by introducing another bill which seems perfectly harmless, but will in fact eliminate up to 80% of the slave trade overnight.  "That's what you need to do," God told me, "you need to 'cheat.'"

What if we were to eliminate the need for abortions by caring for the poor, by making safe places for single moms to go, and by making adoptions easier to obtain?  What if the church were intentional about working toward these ends, but reaching out to single moms, setting aside funds so families can afford to adopt, and making safe places for the poor and marginalized?  My guess is the number of abortions would drop radically.  If a young, single, scared mom knew there was a safe place for her to go, where she and her baby would be taken care of, she would not need to choose an abortion simply because she lacks options.  Now, I know there are crisis pregnancy centers which do this very thing.  But many people don't know of them, or know what they do, and many of these places struggle to have enough funding to carry on.  What if the church, collectively, were to intentionally reach out to pregnant women?  The whole face of the abortion industry would be transformed.  

That day, I felt like God was telling me the legislation is probably never going to change.  We should still hope and vote according to our conscience.  But there will be too much opposition for a national ban on abortions, straight up, to be enacted.  So instead of devoting all my energies toward that end, he showed me another way, other options which truly could make a huge difference.  

Similarly, I don't believe that getting up in arms about this same-sex marriage thing will do any good.  I don't believe this legislation will be reversed.  I don't believe things will get any better.  If we are going to make a difference, we need to go at it in a different way.  We need to cheat.  I don't know exactly what that looks like, perhaps God will show me.  All I know to do right now is love the same-sex community, and love any gay and lesbian people who are in my circle of acquaintance.  I will not back down from what I believe is morally right.  But if I am going to make a difference, it is not by getting up in arms, not by hating.  It is by doing just the opposite.

Jesus changed the world through love; He calls us to do the same.

Reflections on Motherhood

Tonight when my baby fell asleep in my arms, I just sat there awhile, rocking, looking at his peaceful, sleeping face, loving the feel of his warm little body snuggled against my arm. I sat there for awhile, cherishing the moment rather than being in a hurry to put him in his bed.

For so long, I didn't know if I would ever be a mother to a baby here on earth, and for a long time, I was pretty sure that wonderful experience would never be mine. I think of that every day, and it reminds me how much of a blessing our “miracle baby” is. I thought of that tonight as I was rocking him... thought about how I thought I would never have a baby here... and now I do. He is here, real, and solid. When I see him sleeping so peacefully in my arms, my heart overflows with gratitude to God for this blessing and joy. Being a mother is the most wonderful thing I could ever imagine, and I am so thankful that I am able to experience this.

Tonight I just sat rocking him for awhile, praying for him, for his life, that he would grow to know and love God... and then I just reflected for awhile about how, having been through the experience of thinking we would never have kids makes me so much more thankful, so much more aware, of how precious this blessing is.
The title of this blog is "A Journey of Redemption."  I wrote that because I am becoming increasingly aware of how my life is this journey, and it is slowly being redeemed.  Things I struggle with, like anger, are being refined away.  Traits I sometimes hate, like my deep emotionality, God is showing me how He those are being redeemed for His kingdom.  I am also learning to understand how nothing is wasted.  The unbelievable pain of losing two babies in the womb, and walking through a dessert place, and a long time in which I felt barren... this pain is being redeemed.  The pain of loss is being redeemed to His glory.  I had a deep faith, and the trials I had been through before did not shake it.  I never thought I would be in a place where I would doubt, where I would struggle to trust, to believe in His sovereignty.  The redemption of this pain has taught me to trust again-- far more deeply and strongly than ever before.
His ways are not our ways-- and for this, I am so glad.  I never would have chosen to walk through this pain, but I am so thankful for what I learned through it.  I am so thankful also for His timing.  I was at last able to give my plans up to Him, accept we may never have children, and move on with my life.  Two months later we found out I was pregnant, and I was thrown for a loop again.  I had to trust God with that baby-- and sometimes it was very hard, and I was so afraid.  Sometimes I am still afraid.  But I trust.  I do trust.
Motherhood is hard.  When my baby is sick, sad, or in pain, it breaks my heart, because he is so young, so innocent, and he cannot understand what is going on.  When I hear him laugh it brings such overwhelming joy and happiness to me.  When he only sleeps in two hour segments all night it is frustrating, and sometimes I cry because I am so tired.  But most of the time I try to just cherish the moments.  Watching him grow, develop, understand more and more.  Watching him delight.  Watching him cry.  Holding him in my arms.  Seeing his peaceful face when he falls asleep.  Feeling the warmth of his little body in my arms.  Holding his hand.  Watching his face light up when I do things he likes. 
Every day I remember the two babies we lost.  Every day I think of them.  Also every day I remember the process of having to give up my hopes and plans, and accepting that we may never have children here.  And remembering that, makes me cherish these moments, these precious moments, all the moments that God will give us, so much more.