A year and a half ago God did a strange thing. He changed my personality.
Of course, all my life I have gone through gradual changes, I am always changing and growing.
But to go through a big personality change, all at once, is a strange experience.
He took away paralyzing fear and timidity that I have battled with all my life, and gave me a boldness and courage that I have never felt before.
But as time goes by, I am realizing He did more than that. My whole personality has changed. My interests, my passions. I feel like I am learning to know myself all over again. It has felt a bit daunting. Once again being in a place where I don’t know who I am, and I need to discover my identity anew. I don’t even know where to start. Now that I am aware of this I am keeping my eyes open. But I just keep feeling how strange it is to be a completely different person than I used to be.
My taste in books and music has changed. Almost everything I used to read was fiction. Now I am reading biographies like they are novels, and loving it. Delving more into history and thoroughly enjoying it. Musical artists I used to love have fallen by the wayside, while bands like Two Steps from Hell, Skillet, U2, and Newsboys have come to the forefront. I used to think I could never get a tattoo; I didn’t even like them very much. Now I love them. I find them fascinating. And I really want to get one (or multiple.) If James were to agree.
But this whole process has been a learning curve for him, too. He never expected to have a wife who wanted a tattoo; now he does, and he is working through that. He now has a wife who is struggling with her personal identity; who is, in fact, going through an identity crisis and the ups and downs of emotion that accompany it are not easy to deal with.
I keep discovering more and more about myself; but at the same time I feel strangely adrift, like I don’t know who I am anymore. I love what God is doing; but it is scary not knowing who you are.
This has effected my writing, too, in that I am not sure what I want to write. What interested me before interests me still, somewhat, but I also feel a strange restlessness inside that I haven't been able to decipher. Like God wants me to write something specific, and I don't know what it is. So I am searching, searching, but so far, not sure what it is. Trying to persevere through it.
