Writing for an Audience of One

I am an impatient person; it is very hard for me to wait for things.  To this day I can hardly sleep Christmas eve night because I am so excited to open presents.  This applies to smaller examples, as well.  When I decide to get a haircut I get so excited, I want it to happen right away and it's very difficult to wait.  When I cook, it is so hard for me to wait for things to come out of the oven.  I grow very impatient over the process of things that require slow-cooking.  Standing in line at the grocery store.  Sometimes I just have trouble sleeping because I am so eager for it to be the next morning simply so I can be up and about, doing things; even if it is only cleaning house.  That seems to be how I am built.  If someone comes up with a good idea, I generally jump up and say, "Let's do it right now..."
Well, lately this impatience has manifested itself in another way.  Lately, I have had trouble writing, and I think that trouble is tied to this same tendency to be impatient.  I know God has called me to write; and lately I have been thinking a lot about Kingdom work, and wanting to do something big for the Kingdom... but as I said in my entry about cookies a few weeks ago, God doesn't always call us to do big things.  When I have looked at my writing, I think I have correctly thought "How can I best leverage this talent for the Kingdom?"  Where I have been incorrect has been to think, "It's not worth writing unless it reaches X number of people."  I was talking this over last night with my husband and realized my error.  The truth is, God may have called me to only write for an audience of one.  I may never be famous.  My writing may never go very far.  But ultimately, all that matters is being obedient; writing what God wants me to write, what God has called me to write.  The rest is in His hands.  If He wants to do something with it, He will.  I hope and pray He uses me as an instrument to His glory.  But ultimately, my focus needs to be on writing what He wants me to write, nothing else.   
And it brought me to a sobering reality.  I confessed to James that every time I work on a book manuscript I want it to be "the one" that goes far, that gets published, that does big things for the Kingdom.  He gently but firmly told me the truth-- it probably won't be.  The truth is, I will probably write many books that don't get published and aren't very good.  However, I should still write them.  There is still a purpose for them.  And I know that's true.  Every time I have written a 40,000+ word manuscript I have grown and matured as a writer.  Each experience is valuable.  It can also be discouraging to look back, after I have grown, and realize the flaws and mistakes in that story, and lay it sadly aside before turning to the next project. 
As I have reached the ripe old age of 25(!) the urgency I feel to make an impact for the Kingdom has grown greater; the impatience to do something "big".  I have been thinking, when will I publish an amazing book, when will my writing really get somewhere?  And wanting to get it all done right now and then getting frustrated when I realized the impossibility of that.  But my focus has been all wrong.  I realize it now.  It is not wrong to feel urgency to make the most of every moment.  However, it is unrealistic to expect that at the age of 25 I will have it all figured out.  And most of all, it is wrong to let that be my focus, instead of what God wants of me, and allowing God to use me. 
So that is where I am right now.  Adjusting my focus, dealing with the severe reality check that I will probably write many "bad" books before I write a good one.  But mostly just trying to trust everything to God, and allow Him to use and guide me and my writing.