Desert Rain

"When I was locked inside my head
When I was lost in a maze of doubt
You called my name and woke me up
You called my name and led me out

And when I chased one more mirage
'til I was tired and parched again
You gave me one more cup to fill
You sent me one more desert rain..."
                     -Peter Furler, I'm Alive

I feel like I'm in a desert place right now, both literally and spiritually.  I have been feeling very "dry" lately; but it seems like when I reach the place of being most dry and parched, God always sends me "one more desert rain."
A desert rain is one of the most wondrous things I've ever experienced.  Rain is a rare and precious thing in the desert-- a welcome breath of moisture and freshness.  It is all the more precious because of its rarity.  I love to watch a desert storm, and then after it has passed and darkness has fallen, to step outside.  I get the very essence of the desert then-- the cool, refreshing air, the sounds of some residual drops falling off the foliage, songs of the crickets who have ventured bravely out.  But the thing I notice most is the smell.  After the rain has laid the dust and cooled the dryness, the smells of the desert foliage come out with particular pungence-- cactus, sage and rosemary, various desert flowers.  It is beautiful.    
I am in a place I never expected to be; I have gone through some things I never thought I would go through.  All my dreams, my plans, my idols, are being slowly stripped away.  It is a difficult and painful process, and at the end of the day it leaves me unsure of who I am and what I am supposed to be doing.  It leaves me dry and filled with longing.  And then, when I reach this place, God sends me one more desert rain.
Where I live, desert rain often means a heavy shower lasting for quite awhile, and when it happens the arroyos can fill with water and flash-flooding can occur.  "Flooding" isn't a word one associates much with the desert, but here this flash flooding is a real danger to watch out for.  Flash flooding can occur very suddenly, be overwhelming, and sweep you away if you are caught in it.
In the same way, when God sends me a much-needed desert rain, it is usually not a drizzle; it is overwhelming.  When I am in this dry place I will struggle to write, pass over old, stale ideas I have thought too much about, strive in vain to come up with something new, feel discouraged about my efforts in this and everything else.  But when God speaks to me, I know who I am again.  He touches me, and inspiration washes over me like a flood.  Suddenly I will have so many ideas I can't get them down fast enough.  Everything around me inspires me with some new thought.  I feel alive and eager to work.  
This doesn't mean I have left the desert.  I am still in that dry, desert place.  I still have periods of emptiness when I desperately need God to fill me up.  But He always does.  Always, just at the moment I need it, God sends me "one more desert rain", and gives me the strength to go on, to take one more step.
I hope eventually He will lead me out of the desert.  But while I am here He is using it; this experience will not go to waste.  Being in this place of dryness increases my dependence on Him-- and when I reach the end of my strength I find the truth in His promise, "My grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in weakness."  (2 Corinthians 12:9, emphasis mine.)

Cookies and the Kingdom

Lately I have been looking for something “big” to do for the Kingdom of Heaven; but the task that keeps falling into my lap is making cookies.

God has a sense of humor. All you have to do is say “I will go anywhere but here,” or “I will do anything but this,” and often that is the very place or the very task God will send you or give you. The wonderful thing about God is, though, that His plans are always best. I once said I did not want to go to UNM, because I didn't want to live in Albuquerque. I diligently searched for other schools and fervently hoped I'd get to go to one of them; but in the end, God sent me to UNM, and I had an amazing undergrad experience. I have no regrets about going there, and I even learned there are some very likeable things about Albuquerque. :-)

But lately I have had to smile over something else that happened-- smile because once again God moved in a way I didn't expect, but at the same time He taught me something very valuable. Back in college a friend's mother sent him back to school after a weekend at home with some amazing tasting cookies. I asked if he could get a copy of the recipe for me. I made a few modifications myself, and ended up by accident with a wonderful chocolate chip cookie recipe.

Shortly after I started looking for my “big” thing all these opportunities to make cookies started coming up. My husband asked me if I could make some to share at work, and then there was a request to send cookies on the youth group retreat, and then I brought them another week for snack at youth group, and then my husband had another work event; I even had the opportunity to bring some to my work.

When all the requests for cookies started coming in, I actually kind of resented it, because I felt it was taking my already precious time away from doing my as-yet-undiscovered “big” thing. But the opportunities kept coming, and slowly God changed my perspective. My husband's co-workers loved the cookies. The youth group was overjoyed to have them on their long drive to their retreat. And the day I brought them into work happened to be a day one of the cooks was having a particularly bad time... the cookies made his day a little better. I brought enough for the swing shift to sample and also the graveyard shift. I have received requests to bring them again.

It doesn't feel like much. But maybe it's more than I realize. If God can use cookies to bless the people around me, isn't that worth it? In the end, what really matters is being faithful to what God has called me to do. I asked him for something big to do for His kingdom. He said bake cookies. And more cookies. :-) What I have learned is to rejoice that I have something I can do, instead of repining because it isn't bigger or more important. God has been teaching me a lesson through all this-- a lesson in being faithful toward the little things as well as the big, and having a willing heart to do whatever God asks, even if it isn't always what I had planned.

“Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.” -Ecclesiastes 9:10

“Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.” -Colossians 3:17

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord, rather than for men... it is the Lord Christ whom you serve.” -Colossians 3:23-24

"I regret that I have but one life to lose for my country."

The above words were spoken by an iconic hero of the American Revolution, Nathan Hale, just before his death. He was hanged as a spy after he was caught by the British troops behind enemy lines on a reconnaissance mission for General Washington. He was just twenty-one years old.

Recently I have been doing some research on this riveting figure of the American Revolution, and I found out some things I didn't know before.

I found out that to his contemporaries, Nathan Hale was known for his deep faith. He was known as a man of prayer, and he was not ashamed of his beliefs; rather, he often spoke of them and prayed with his men.
I found out some other interesting things. Hale attended Yale at the age of 14, graduating four years later with honors.  He spent the next two years teaching school, and probably at some point meant to become a minister. He had some rather advanced ideas about women's education, and for awhile he offered classes to young ladies between five and seven in the morning, offering to teach them the same things their brothers were coming to learn later in the day.  Hale was an ardent patriot and he joined the army shortly after the outbreak of the war, being given a lieutenant's commission.  People who knew him later remembered him as a very kind, compassionate person, who divided his extra pay with his men during lean times and visited and prayed with soldiers who were sick.  
Before he actually saw any action in the war, however, George Washington sent out his inquiry asking for volunteers to go on an intelligence gathering mission behind enemy lines. I was surprised to find out that the view of Hale's mission back then was very different from how we view it today. Today, we view Hale's mission with the sort of glamor we attach to modern-day spies, and praise him for his brave death. But back then, spying was not looked upon with favor-- it could cost a person their reputation as well as being immediately punishable by death.
When Washington inquired (through one of his officers, Captain Knowlton) for volunteers to go behind enemy lines and gather information on enemy troop movements, it appeared at first Knowlton would have to report his failure to Washington. As one man stated, "I am willing to be shot, but not to be hung." But then the youngest officer of the group, Nathan Hale, agreed to undertake it. According to one of the articles I read, he “saw an opportunity to serve, and he did the duty which came next at hand.”
For over a week Hale gathered his information, and then on his way back to safety he was caught and brought to General Howe, who sentenced him to death without the formality of a trial.
Hale spent the night locked in a greenhouse on the estate, and the next day was hung from an apple tree. The soldiers who witnessed Hale's execution later noted with surprise how calm he was. I believe this was because of Hale's deep faith-- he knew in Whom he believed.
And so it was that a promising young life was cut short. Nathan Hale was only twenty-one years old when he died. I had several emotions when I read his story; the first was sorrow that it unfolded that way; sorrow that so promising a life should be cut short, instead of continuing on for long years of usefulness.
But then I had some other thoughts. The Revolutionary War continued for eight long years after Nathan Hale's death-- it is altogether likely he could have died in one of the battles and his name sunk into oblivion like so many other soldiers who fought in that war. Instead he was given a platform, and he used it well. The other thing that struck me was how Nathan Hale lived his life. He graduated among the top of his class from Yale. He was a hard worker and he made the most of his opportunities. He reached out to an often marginalized group-- women-- by offering them education. This required extra work and effort on his part. He was known for his deep faith and his kindness toward the people around him. He had a strong sense of duty which he lived out by volunteering for a mission that was distasteful to others, and which put himself at great personal risk. Even knowing this, he went, and unfortunately, he ended up paying the ultimate price. He died a courageous death, and he left behind a legacy of faith and kindness, a legacy of duty and obedience, and of course, a legacy of bravery in the face of great odds. And so, despite the tragedy, his story also has factors of redemption.  

Letter from a Cubs' Fan to Tom Ricketts Regarding the Proposed Changes to Wrigley Field and the Chicago Cubs

Tom Ricketts, Chairman of the Chicago Cubs

Dear Sir,

I am writing this letter regarding your proposed changes to Wrigley Field and the Chicago Cubs in general. I wish with all my heart you would reconsider.

Firstly, part of the charm of Wrigley Field consists in it's age and the sense of history attached to it. It has been slow to change with the changing years and that is one thing I love about it. (And not just myself, but Cubs' fans world over.) I remember well the first year I had the privilege of watching a Cubs game at Wrigley Field: it was in July 2007, and they were playing the St. Louis Cardinals. I immediately fell in love with the look and feel of the ballpark; the towering columns, the outfield ivy, the breeze off Lake Michigan, the wide open feel of the place. All of the other ballparks I have been to have been very modernized, with advertising everywhere and jumbo TV's flashing distractions constantly. I hated it. Wrigley Field does not have these things and implementing them would ruin the look and feel of the place, and hurt me very much.

Secondly, you claim the team needs the revenue that these advertisements etc. would generate. You claim we have to catch up to our large-market competitors in revenue. According to USAToday, CBS sports, and several other sources, the Cubs current payroll is $104,150,726. This is twice Tampa Bay's, who have sent a team to the World Series twice in recent years. The Cubs have bought several high-profile players recently and had plenty of money to do it (most notably, the highly toted free agent Alfonso Soriano). Wrigley Field is sold out almost every single game-- with tens of thousands flocking to the ballpark even on weekday afternoon games. What exactly does the team need more revenue for?

And lastly, you claim you want to modernize the club even more by adding more evening games into the schedule. Yet there is no shortage of fans even on afternoon games, and the tradition of afternoon games is deeply rooted in the Cubs history; it is an endearing part of a club that clings to old-school traditions. I am proud that Wrigley Field was the last ballpark to get lights, and that they play more afternoon games than any other team. I love that about them, I do not want that to change. I don't want the Cubs to become more “modern”! What I love so much about them is that they are one of the last ball teams who have refused all of the changes and the rush to become “modern.”

I beg that you would reconsider. I do not believe these changes are in the best interests of the Cubs or their fans. I think the things you wish to change are some of the very things that endear this team and ballpark to their fans, and you would do wrong to take those away.

Sincerely,

A Cubs' Fan

The Easter Bunny vs. The Cross

Tonight when I was doing some grocery shopping I saw a large purple Easter bunny set up on top of one of the aisles.  The sight saddened me, because I couldn't help thinking about the symbol I wish was there instead, the image that symbolizes Easter to me: a cross, and an empty tomb.
I love Easter, because it is a time to remember the greatest event that ever took place in human history.  It is because of this event I have hope.  Because of this event, recent loss has not become despair, and even in the midst of sorrow and uncertainty I can walk forward in faith, and in joy.  But this event was not an easy one.
It involved betrayal, unfaithful intercessors, unjust accusations, horrendous pain, and blood and tears.  It tested the depth of human pain, endurance, and emotion as one who had never sinned had nine inch nails driven into his hands and feet as he was crucified for the sins of others.
However, the story doesn't end there.  It continues with a new dawning, and an empty tomb.  And all of the sorrow, pain and heartache was turned into unbelievable joy.  Jesus is alive.  Jesus paid the price of our sin, so we can have a future and a hope.  Anything the world has to offer doesn't begin to compare with that.

Why the Cubs haven't won a World Series in 104 years... because they keep making the same mistakes.

In the time I have been a Cubs fan, they have made some big mistakes.  One of those is Alfonso Soriano, who was one of the most sought-after free-agents after his amazing 2006 season, in which he reached the elite 40-40-40 mark (46 homeruns, 41 doubles, and 41 stolen bases.)  The Cubs joined the mix of clubs trying to sign him in an effort to build up their club and hopefully be propelled into the post season.  In order to beat out the other clubs they had to offer the sweetest deal, so they did: 8 years, 136 million dollars, and job security in the form of a no-trade clause in his contract.  Soriano took it.
The next season, Soriano suffered a leg injury which would be recurring in the years to follow.  He stole only 19 bases that season, hitting .299 with 33 homeruns and 70 rbi's.  That was the best year he would have with the Cubs, and the only season in which he would hit even 30 homeruns, much less 40.  In the five years since signing him, his numbers have steadily declined, while he has become known for his streakiness and freak injuries.  Over the past three seasons he has stolen twelve stolen bases, in all three seasons combined, and his batting average has hovered around .240.  It is doubtful he will improve much in the two years he has left with the Cubs, as he only gets older.  As other players have come and gone on the Cubs team, Soriano has remained, and will remain for the next two years, a monetary burden to the Cubs, a player who no longer carries his own weight on the field.
The next big mistake the Cubs made was signing Milton Bradley; but at least they learned something from signing Soriano, and did NOT put a no-trade clause into his contract, thankfully!  I was dubious about this signing from the start, for several reasons.  Firstly, the Cubs still had Carlos Zambrano on their team at the time, a talented pitcher with a very hot and volatile temper.  Bradley had also been known for having a volatile temper, and having two such players in the clubhouse at the same time did not seem good to me.  I was also dubious simply because of Bradley's tempers, which had become legendary throughout the majors.  And thirdly, because of the reason for signing him-- to add some left-handed power hitting to the lineup.  This was coming off a 2008 season wherein the Cubs had done very well and won their division behind the right-handed 3-4 punch of Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez.  Adding Bradley would break up this effective dynamic duo and change the team chemistry in ways I didn't like.  Determined to find a reason for the Cubs post-season loss, the powers that be decided they were missing something in the lineup, when in reality the Cubs had lead the National League in hitting the previous season, with their right-hand heavy lineup.
My feelings proved correct; and the 2009 Cubs team began to be defined by Milton Bradley's tempers and trying to appease him in any way they could-- a futile effort.  Bradley didn't like Wrigley's tradition of day-games; he didn't like the pressure from the media and the fans; he didn't like the front office or feel he was being treated right.  He had a miserable year with the Cubs and then they shipped him off to the Seattle Mariners, picking up a large portion of the money they owed him to do so, and we were back where we started, with the dynamic punch of Lee and Ramirez in the middle of the lineup, and a leadoff man and left-fielder who would hit .258 on the year and have five stolen bases, but who, unlike Bradley, we could not unload on someone else.
Today the Cubs wear a very different look from the 2008 team that won the division; the only constant is Soriano.  The changes have mounted astronomically this year, as they have implemented their new "rebuilding" strategy in hopes of ending their World Series drought.  What seems logical to me in such a situation is to keep the players who are good and form a solid core to your team, unload some of the big contracts, build up your farm, and sign a few other good, dynamic players.  What, apparently, seems logical to the Cubs front office this year is to get rid of ALL of their core players, including young players, pitchers, the rookie of the year who came up through your organization, and veterans.  After struggling mightily during the first half of the year, the Cubs began looking a little better as a team around July.  Part of this was helped by their strong pitching rotation, which included Ryan Dempster, who was having a career year, Jeff Samardjzia, who is pitching better than ever, and Paul Maholm, a young pitcher who has only gotten better throughout the year.  
I was astonished, then, when the Cubs traded off Dempster (being sellers, not buyers, at the trade deadline, this didn't surprise me so much, though it saddened me), Paul Maholm, Reed Johnson, and Geovany Soto.  Maholm was a good, dynamic pitcher-- exactly what I thought the Cubs would be looking for, to rebuild.  Geovany Soto came up through the Cubs organization and won rookie of the year with them a few years ago.  He has proved a good, steady offensive player and a skilled defensive player.  Another good foundational player.  And Reed Johnson has done extremely well off the bench this year.  Finding good bench players is hard, and he was a definite asset.
The Cubs traded these players off and started struggling again, which is understandably.  The everyday catcher who had worked all year with the starting pitchers was gone.  One of the best pitchers in the majors was gone, and another pitcher who had just come off his six start, going six or more innings, without giving up a run is also gone.  Also their good, reliable bench player.  Suddenly, the lineup needed to be re-structured, other young pitchers would be moved in and out and tried; a new catcher would be calling the games.  It changes everything, and not necessarily in a good way.
And today, the Cubs made another move; they signed short stop Starlin Castro, who came up with the club last season and has done extremely well, to a seven-year contract worth 60 million.  I agree that Castro is good, and young, and the kind of player you want on your team if you are rebuilding; but I don't think signing a player to such a long contract is such a good idea.  How could the Cubs have known that after having such an amazing season in 2006 Soriano would go on to become a mediocre player and a burden to the team?  Injury and change come unexpectedly, and tying yourself to a player for so long can be detrimental, I think.  It feels like another mistake the Cubs have not learned from.  As the years pass by and they continue to make the same mistakes, mistakes that make the Cubs fans watching from the outside want to bang our head against a wall, it is little wonder that their desperate World Series drought continues.  That is just what they have become: desperate.  So desperate they have left common sense behind and are striving for a quick fix; and in the process they are imploding from the inside-out, while their opponents stand by and watch.

Blessed

I haven't had much inspiration the past few weeks.  I have gone over and over certain parts of my story, knowing they weren't right, but not knowing how to fix them.  I think part of my lack of inspiration and creativity had to do with some personal struggles I was having, but God has been doing a work in my heart, and has blessed me so much once again!  I am always amazed at how God blesses me-- overwhelmed, because it's always more than I expect.  He doesn't always work in the ways I expect Him too, but His ways are always better.
As I have struggled, I have felt helpless, because even as I was trying to get back on track I still couldn't change my feelings and emotions.  What I have realized is that it's true, I can't change my feelings and emotions-- but I can change my focus, and that can make a huge difference.  I have been realizing once again how blessed I am, feeling overwhelmed by the blessings that fill my life.  Health, a good job, warm bed, food, a loving, supportive husband, a wonderful family who prays for me and loves me unconditionally, and the blessing of having some of them nearby again; a good church family, friends.  Above all this, the hope of glory, an inheritance among them which are sanctified, and the ability to come boldly into the presence of my God through the sacrifice of His son.
I have been reminded, too, that I have work to do.  But God has blessed me again by inspiring my creative faculty once more.  It has been incredibly discouraging lately to not feel like writing; to feel like it doesn't matter; to feel like I don't have the ability to do it, anyway; to feel frustrated because I can't figure out how to fix the problem areas of my story, etc.  But in church on Sunday, as I was talking to God, it suddenly came to me how I could fix one of the areas of my story that I have been struggling with.  It is perfect.  It will unfold a little differently, but I like it a lot better than what I had before.  I can see it coming together in my mind's eye, and with that the old excitement of creativity has surged through me again.
I am blessed indeed!

Novel Writing Process

From the outset, it looked easy.  I had the story in mind... all I had to do was write it... in chronological order... and I was done.  Right?
I've had a wake up call since then.... it's not quite so easy.  In the first place, it doesn't always come together chronologically, and even if it does, different scenes expand it and cause it to grow and change.  One change can change everything else, and that starts getting complicated after you have a hundred pages or so....
So where am I now?  The body of the story is there, but I am still expanding, plugging in new scenes, filling in holes, proofing, changing.  The hardest part has been the beginning-- the prologue and first chapter.  I have spent more time on those two parts than the rest of the story put together.  It keeps weighing on me, because so much depends on it.  Strangers who read it will either decide to continue, or not, based on it.
I have it all planned out so beautifully in my head... how story and plotlines and characters develop and interract and change based on those interractions.... but transferring what I have in my head to paper in such a way that my readers will see it as I saw/see it, that's the hard part.
Anyhow.... it's proving a much more daunting task than I ever thought it would be.... but progress is being made.
And now... back to it.  :-)

Anne of Green Gables

I am becoming known at work by my books. We get a half hour break during our shifts. The first day I had one it felt so long I instantly decided to start bringing a book to work. This has sparked a number of interesting conversations with my co-workers. One of them, now that she knows I like reading, will talk to me about what she is reading and about books in general. When I brought in Anne of Green Gables the other day she asked me how many times I had read it before... the best answer I was able to come up with was “a lot”, and she replied that I seemed like the type of person who would have read it at least two or three times. Well, she's right! Another co-worker told me how excited she was to find me reading “old” literature, like Ivanhoe and Anne of Green Gables. She also was excited that I was doing it on my own, not for a class. Apparently she asked another co-worker the other day whether I was doing it for a class and was told no. 

But anyway-- lately I have been re-reading the Anne of Green Gables series. Currently I am about halfway through Anne of Avonlea, the sequel to Anne o Green Gables. For the first time I have noticed something interesting. I have always noticed that LM Montgomery made a lot of mistakes in her writing-- but have excused them because she was so good at telling a story. What I have noticed lately is that her first book in the series-- the original Anne of Green Gables, it is very polished and edited and well-written. However, as soon as I started reading Anne of Avonlea I started noticing the mistakes-- things like using lots of ellipses, and run-on sentences. I picked up Anne of Green Gables and glanced through it and I could find barely any ellipses. Just flipping through any other book in the series and they jump off the page because there are so many of them.

The other books in the series are not nearly so polished or edited as the first one. Why is that? There are several reasons, I believe, deducing from what I now know from reading the biography of LM Montgomery. Anne of Green Gables was an outgrowth of LM Montgomery's imagination and creative impulse; she thoroughly enjoyed writing it and poured a great deal of love into the story. Thereafter she faced many rejections as she sent it out to various publishers, until finally she found a publisher who was willing to take the manuscript, but with conditions. One of those conditions was that she write sequels-- something LM Montgomery wasn't particularly anxious to do, since, as she later wrote, “writing about Anne as an adult wasn't nearly as fun as writing about her as a child.” That's understandable, from reading the first book and Anne's many and varied adventures. The first book was probably first polished well by LM Montgomery herself, so that she could try and find a publisher for it-- but after the sequels were guaranteed, they didn't need to undergo such a rigorous editing process. The publisher, also, probably subjected it to some editing before sending it to press, but after Anne had achieved popularity their main objective was probably just to pump books out.

I think that's kind of sad-- the sequels definitely are not as well done as the first book, probably for these very reasons-- wanting to just get them out, and perhaps not caring as much for the sequels as the original. It reminds me of the Harry Potter books, where something similar happened. The later books are not all as polished or well done as the first, because of the deadline that JK Rowling had to meet and the haste with which the publishers wanted to get them out. It's too bad. It gives me mixed feelings about sequels. As much as I love the Anne of Green Gables series, and wouldn't be without any of the books for a great deal, I wouldn't want to write any book, or any sequel, if my heart wasn't really in it. At present all of the ideas I have are stand-alone books, I don't have any sequels in mind... so we'll see what happens in the future.  

A Lot of Different Things

I'm sorry for my blogging absence lately.

Were I asked to describe the place where I'm currently at, a lot of things come to mind.
I am in a place of adjustment.
I am in a place of change.
I am in a place of struggle.
I am in a place of peace.
I am in a place of inspiration.
I am in a place of searching for inspiration.
I am in a place of excitement about the work God has called me to.
I am in a place of emptiness.  Knowing there is no good thing in me, yet praying that God can somehow use me.
I am in a place of seeking.
I am in a place of waiting.
I am in a place of chasing after my dreams.
I am in a place of waiting for certain dreams, and working toward them.

This past week we had the privilege of traveling to Kansas City for James' brother's wedding.  It was wonderful to forgather with the Holland side of the family and visit and catch up and celebrate together.  It was one of the most beautiful weddings I've ever attended.  It was simple and lovely and peaceful and joyful.  I rejoice for the new-made couple and am excited to welcome a new sister-in-law into the family.  I was also reminded of James and my wedding and marriage vows.  So it was a place of joy, reflection, and excitement.
It was a little hard to come from that and go back to work, where things were in shambles and tempers were short.  That first day back was hard, and yet God blessed me.  It was not busy so I did not have to stay late.  And I remembered that even when it is difficult, it is a place where God can use me to make a  difference.  My challenge these past several days has been contained in the verse, "A life hid with Christ in God"-- what does that really look like, and how is that played out every day, at work and at home?
I have been a little stressed lately because of everything going on.  The wedding, the trip, getting ready to move, James starting a new job, balancing work and writing.  There's a lot going through my mind.
I have been feeling inspired with my writing, but I have also struggled.  I have made good progress on my story.  I know my characters... I have begun walking more and more in their shoes, and seeing things through their eyes and understanding who they are.  I long to bring them to life so others can see them as I do, know them as I do.  But therein lies the struggle.  How can I do that?  It feels so daunting.  I have also been struggling with the beginning of my story (that's the part I always have the most trouble with.)  Have I really written these scenes in a way that is realistic?  How should I structure these first few scenes?  Would they draw the reader in?  Etc.  I keep going over and over them in my head, trying to work them out.  I haven't quite gotten there yet, but I am getting closer.  What brings me closer is really getting into my character's shoes, which can be exciting as well as difficult, sometimes.  Like tonight.  I was in a very different place in my real life than my character's were in their lives.  I was in a place of joy; they were in a place of sorrow.  I was struggling to find balance between the two.
On top of all this there is baseball... I am rather disappointed with some of the decisions the Cubs' new manager, Dale Sveum, has been making.  But some exciting things have been happening, too.  It's neat to see some of the younger players really coming into their own, and the past several games against the Cardinals have been exciting (as Cubs/Cardinals games usually are.)
And so that's a bit of a look into my mind, into what's going on right now.  A lot of different emotions.