An Encouraging Meeting

I met with a former mentor today-- someone who was a staff worker with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship when I was attending UNM (he is now the area director of IVCF.)  Lately I have been thinking about people who have mentored me and how much they have spoken into my life-- he was one of those people, and recently I was thinking over some words he once said to me.  I have always been a shy, timid person-- he was one of the first people to really encourage me not to live out of that fear because Christ has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of "power, and love, and self-discipline."  He really encouraged me to step out in faith and obedience to Christ, empowered by the spirit.  I have never forgotten that.  To this day, those words have made a huge impact.  I was thinking of a few other things he said and/or did too, and then the thought occurred to me, you should tell him this, it might encourage him to hear it. So I asked if we could meet.
I did share this with him-- but as usually happens, I was the one who felt encouraged at the end of our meeting.  He asked me-- as he always does-- what God has been doing in my life.  I opened up about the whole crazy journey I have been on the past few years-- the ups, the downs, the unexpected events, the struggles, and coming out of it all with my faith strengthened.  I shared what God has been showing me lately about fighting.  I want to be someone who is strong, who is a fighter, but naturally I'm not that way at all.  Lately there has been a theme running through my life-- revealed even through the characters I play in DnD-- about standing, and fighting, and being bold and courageous.  God has told me certain new challenges are coming, but He has also told me He will be victorious.  I am so excited to see what He does.
"You have grown," he told me at last, "you wouldn't have spoken this way in college."  I knew he was right.  My faith, though deep, did not have the depth it would attain through suffering.  When I finally settled into silence he asked me questions-- drawing out thought I had not spoken, helping me see things in a different way.  When we finally finished up our conversation and prepared to part ways he looked at me.  "Laura, I am proud of you."
The words warmed my heart.  I am proud of you.  To hear that from someone you really look up to-- someone you respect-- someone whose faith you admire-- it made me so happy.
And then he said, "I hope you hear this from Jesus too-- 'well done, good and faithful servant.'"
I hope so, too.  The thought of it filled my eyes with tears.  When I finally see Jesus face to face-- if I hear those words-- then nothing else will matter.  I will shed the shackles of this earth and my heart will be at home.
Jesus is the great reward of Christianity.
I could not ask for anything more.  

I Finally Understand

For a long time now I have felt that God is calling me to write about my experiences losing our babies.  For awhile I couldn't.  Then I felt I could, but every time I tried somehow it just wasn't right.  I am willing but I just wasn't sure what it was supposed to look like.  Last night, suddenly, it clicked.

After losing baby number two I went through a year of struggle.  After that year I was in a place where I was able to accept that God might have different plans for us than what I had always thought-- my only question was, what those plans were.  Then I thought about my writing and thought maybe I was supposed to do more with that, so for the next month I focused on drafting a novel from an idea I'd had in my mind for awhile.  The writing went well, but the story took a different direction than I expected... it took a very personal turn.  I did not realize this as I was writing it, but after I finished the draft and went back and read it, then I was amazed.  I was writing from the perspective of my main character-- but really, I was writing my story.  It was the first time since it happened that I was able to write about my pain, and it was really helpful and healing for me.  That was November, 2013.

After that I laid the manuscript aside for awhile to focus on the holidays and family time, and then I was pregnant and sick all the time and didn't feel like writing.  When I finally got back into writing a few months ago I looked at that manuscript, but realized it would need a lot of editing if I was to do anything with it, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to do anything with it.  So I laid it aside again and worked on some other things-- journaling, essays, a short story, and the new fantasy story idea I had with James.  All the while feeling this nudge from God and trying to work on that too, but as I said it never really went anywhere.

Off and on over the past two years scenes from this story will sporadically come into my mind.  All this week, the past four or five days I have had one particular scene in my mind.  I have been replaying it over and over and over, thinking about every detail, every conversation, every piece of furniture, the weather, everything.  It has become incredibly real to me.  Yesterday, God showed me two things.  The first was that understanding this scene has helped me relate to what a friend has been going through this week-- something I would not have understood before.  I believe the second thing is that I need to share my story through this story-- in a way that is not quite as direct as I thought, but still portrays all of my emotions, my pain, my journey.  I think this is a story that is supposed to be written.  

And realizing that, has made me so excited...

Putting the NL Wild Card Game into Perspective

Old school baseball.  I love it.  This is going to be an amazing series.  It is going to be a series that pits the best against the best.  It is going to be youth vs experience.  The Cardinals seasoned players vs. the Cubs rookies.  Mike Matheny, who only has three years managerial experience vs Joe Maddon, who has been managing 22 years and took the Rays to the World Series in 08.

There are two words which are bandied around a lot in baseball these days-- “pitch count.”  The idea is to preserve the pitcher’s arm and perhaps extend his career by keeping him to 100 pitches or less.  Some managers consider this a hard-and-fast rule, to the point I feel it is damaging and can undermine a pitcher’s confidence.  Some managers don’t worry so much about it.  And then there are managers like Tony Larussa, who gave himself a bigger bullpen and specialized pitcher to batter, sometimes bringing in a pitcher to face just one batter or throw one pitch.  The point is, in the old days a pitcher finished the game no matter how long it took.  These days you almost never hear of that, but a very close eye is kept on “pitch count.”

Last night the Cubs won their first playoff game in 12 years.  I have only been a Cubs fan for 11 years, so this was the first time I have ever seen the Cubs win a playoff game.  Granted, it was a game they shouldn’t have had to play in the first place because they had such a good record that if they had been in any other division they would have won it.  Ironically, the teams with the top three best record were all in the National League Central, so the Cubs played their division rivals, the Pittsburgh Pirates, in the National-League Wild Card game.  This is a one-game wild-card playoff game, and the winner plays in the National League Division Series.  I know… they only started doing this two years ago, and it is confusing.  But anyway, by this weird coincidence the Cubs played the Pirates, a team they have played four or five times already this season, the last series being just a couple weeks ago, the second-to-last series for both teams.

It’s been an amazing season for the Cubs.  When the Cubs brought in Theo Epstein and started doing all this team revamping and acquiring of young talent I was dubious.  After their rather miserable last couple seasons I was pretty sure that if it was going to work, it would take a few years.  I was thinking 2016, 2017 they might be contenders.  But not this year.  Then they signed Jon Lester, one of the most in-demand free agent pitchers on the market, one who could have had his pick of teams, but chose the Cubs because he wanted to help them become playoff contenders.  And then they signed Joe Maddon.

Joe Maddon was the manager of the Tampa Bay Rays for quite a few years.  The Rays are the team that has the lowest budget in the American League, they had no big-name players and were consistently the cellar-dwellers of the American League East.  Joe Maddon came in, made some major changes to the atmosphere in the clubhouse, and the Rays won not only the division, but went on to the World Series.  It was amazing.  So when the Cubs signed him, I began have a little bit of hope that some positive changes were coming.  In a year or two.

I’m not ashamed to admit I was wrong, and I give props to Epstein and Maddon.  Maddon took a young, inexperienced bunch of players and helped them form a cohesive, competitive team.  Long story short… they won 97 games this year, a great record.

Wednesday was the wild-card playoff, and it was one of the best games I’ve ever seen, in no small part because of Jake Arrieta.  I love reading stories of the old baseball greats, but to see a someone who is having a season rivaling (and exceeding) some of the best pitchers in baseball history is absolutely cool and amazing… and he is on my team!  Jake Arrieta has gotten consistently better and better as the season has gone on, to the point he is unbeatable, unhittable, and absolutely dominant.  The last twenty games of the season he had a .75 era, which is the best in baseball history over a twenty game stretch.  Yes, you read that right, the best in baseball history… ever.

He’s the guy the Cubs sent to the mound on Wednesday, and as expected, he dominated the Pirates.  The Pirates were unable to capitalize at all, and Arrieta stayed calm even in scary situations like when the bases were loaded due to an error in the sixth… he just stayed calm, kept pitching, and got the double play ball.  Inning over.  He struck out 11, gave up no walks, 4 hits, and zero runs.  He threw 113 pitches through the complete game.  As the seventh inning came up we were starting to wonder if they were planning to bring anyone in, but nobody was warming up and Arrieta batted for himself.  When he came out in the eighth I began to think the plan was to leave him in for the whole game… and I was right.  Maddon had complete confidence in him and Arrieta went the distance.  I found out later this was the plan all along.  Unless things got really, really bad, Maddon had no plans to pull Arrieta, at all.  When asked what Arrieta’s pitch count was, the answer was “infinity.”  Old school baseball.  The pitcher goes out and finishes what he starts, doesn’t leave his work in the hands of some reliever.  Beautiful.

Arrieta later gave credit to Dexter Fowler and his teammates for scoring in the first inning, and I agree, this was big too, to get the momentum on the Cubs side and cool off the (very excited) crowd a little.  The Cubs scored three runs early and I am sure this helped bolster Arrieta’s confidence.  But seriously, seeing a pitching performance like that… just, wow.

Another cool thing that happened during the game happened in the seventh.  Arrieta grazed two of the Pirates batters earlier in the game with pitches that got out of his control-- barely hitting them, clearly unintentional.  Then when Arrieta came up to bat with two outs in the top of the seventh the first pitch hit him in the ribcage.  The benches and bullpens cleared and players stormed the field.  Punches were thrown.  Through it all Arrieta remained pretty calm.  The game resumed after a few minutes with Arrieta on first and the top of the lineup.  The first thing Arrieta did was steal second base.  You never see pitchers steal, and it was only the fifth time in post-season play a pitcher has stolen a base.

It made me so happy because that is the way you should respond to a situation like that.  Instead of getting revenge by hitting their guy, Arrieta responded through gameplay.  It’s like, “Ok, you want to put me on base?  I’ll put myself in scoring position!”  Maddon never called for any intentional hpb revenge on the Pirates players.  They responded by playing the game.  That’s class.

The Cubs struck early and hard.  The young players stepped up.  And Arrieta was given the opportunity to show everyone one of the most dominant post-season pitching performances ever.  Afterwards Arrieta gave credit to the Pirates pitcher, Gerrit Cole, saying he is an amazing pitcher and they knew they would have to work hard to beat the Pirates.  I love this Cubs team.  I love the energy, the class, the talent, and the atmosphere that Maddon brings to the clubhouse.  Maddon would say afterwards that their philosophy is to play the same way every single day-- not treating any one game as different or more important than another.  He also talks about the importance of having fun and not letting the pressure get to you (HUGE for the Cubs), and he compared Arrieta to Bob Gibson, one of the greatest pitchers of all time.  He said pulling Arrieta would have been like pulling Bob Gibson out of a playoff situation.  No, he intended to let him go all the way and finish it.  As a result, we got to see one of the greatest pitching performances ever, and the Cubs made it look easy beating the second best team in baseball in a playoff game away from home.

At first I was disappointed they had to play in this wild-card playoff game.  But I’m not anymore.  For the Cubs, it was a good first taste of the playoffs.  Now they are going to St. Louis with the experience of having won a playoff game away from home under their belt.  They can ride the momentum to hopefully another playoff win away from home.  They showed that they are very good and they can get it done.  This game was a very big deal, and it could be pivotal to their momentum down the line.   

Now they are traveling to St. Louis to play the best team in baseball, who also happens to be the Cubs’ historical division rivals.  I know the Cubs too well to be disappointed if they lose.  But yesterday showed me what they can do.  Also, the Cubs have won 4 of the last 6 games they have played against the Cardinals, and Jon Lester pitches today.  If they do win and go on, perhaps to the World Series, I also will no longer be surprised.  I have legitimate reason to hope that Joe Maddon’s philosophy about how to play the game, combined with his funny gimmicks, like pj parties and bringing zoo animals to the clubhouse, might actually dispel the unbelievable pressure I have seen the Cubs break under before and allow them to play with all the talent I know they possess.  If they can do that, they have a legitimate shot of going all the way.   

But win or lose, we are going to see some amazing, old-school baseball this weekend.

I can’t wait.

Cubs 2015

Joe Maddon is amazing.  Seriously.
I loved his response to an incident that happened yesterday in the game vs the Cardinals regarding a hit-by-pitch incident.  He is logical, down to earth, straight forward, loyal to his players, tells it like it is, creates a great atmosphere, and knows baseball.  The Cubs are six back of the Cardinals in the division, a game behind the Pirates.  I am super bummed that the Cubs have such an amazing record and yet are in danger of finishing third in their division.  I saw a stat the other day that said the Cubs could have the best third-place finish since 1960.  I found this rather depressing, but Maddon had a different, and really cool response.  It's been rather depressing to be a Cubs fan the past few years, but things are finally starting to happen.  The Cubs are going to the post-season for the first time in seven years (granted, it will probably be in a wild-card spot, and they could lose immediately in the one-game wild card playoff, or, if not there, they will face the Cardinals in the NLDS and I don't have much hope for that matchup.)  But win or lose, it is all very exciting, not only for this season but because of the promise of next season.  Things are only looking up.

 

One Year

I can’t believe this little guy is 1!  
The time went by so fast.  It is amazing to see him grow and develop daily.  He loves crawling everywhere and climbing on everything.  He is almost walking.  He is stubborn, and gets upset when he can’t get what he wants; but most of the time he is pretty happy.  He loves being chased (especially by Dad!) and playing “peek-a-boo”.  He can say a few words and babbles all the time.  He eats a ton and is growing like a weed.  Lately he has been sleeping well (9-10 hours at night with a nap in the afternoon.)  He likes playing with his cousin Robert and with house-mate Sunder.  He is a happy, healthy, mischievous, energetic, fun-loving youngster.     

After praying for a child for four years and experiencing two losses, the verse God gave me when I became pregnant with David was, “sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”  That has proven to be true, as David is a blessing and a joy, a true ray of sunshine in our lives.  My prayer for him is that he will, like his Biblical namesake, “follow hard after God.”  I pray he will love and serve God all his days.  I could ask for no greater gift than that.  

We love you so much, Davey.  Happy birthday!

Same-sex Marriage, Abortion, and Cheating

Today the Supreme Court of the United States voted 5-4 to make same-sex marriage legal in all 50 states.  All day I have been seeing responses on facebook from both sides, some rejoicing, some very sad, some very ominous.  Surprisingly, I don't really feel very much when I read this news.  I am saddened.  I believe same-sex marriage is wrong.  I am also not surprised.  And I know any response from me really won't make any difference, anyway.  There is no point wasting my anger on this.  

Now, the above statement can be taken several different ways, so before anyone gets up in arms, let me clarify.  I feel very much about this as I do about the abortion issue.  For much of my adolescent and adult life I was extremely passionate about changing legislation regarding abortion.  I would vote for pro-life candidates and urge others to do the same.  I would avidly follow politics and hope and pray and work and sign petitions.  I would rejoice whenever pro-life legislation was enacted, and I would weep when it was struck down by a judge.  Overall, however, I began to feel discouragement and despair, because there seemed to be so much opposition.  It did not seem possible that Roe v. Wade would ever be reversed.

I was in that place when God spoke to me one day.  I had a dream-- playing through my subconscious was a pivotal scene from the movie Amazing Grace.  William Wilberforce and Clarkson find William Pitt, the Prime Minister, when he is golfing.  For 20 some years Wilberforce has been introducing his anti-slavery bill to the Parliament, and every year it was struck down.  This time, they tell Pitt, they are not going to introduce an anti-slavery bill.  Instead, they are going to "cheat", by introducing another bill which seems perfectly harmless, but will in fact eliminate up to 80% of the slave trade overnight.  "That's what you need to do," God told me, "you need to 'cheat.'"

What if we were to eliminate the need for abortions by caring for the poor, by making safe places for single moms to go, and by making adoptions easier to obtain?  What if the church were intentional about working toward these ends, but reaching out to single moms, setting aside funds so families can afford to adopt, and making safe places for the poor and marginalized?  My guess is the number of abortions would drop radically.  If a young, single, scared mom knew there was a safe place for her to go, where she and her baby would be taken care of, she would not need to choose an abortion simply because she lacks options.  Now, I know there are crisis pregnancy centers which do this very thing.  But many people don't know of them, or know what they do, and many of these places struggle to have enough funding to carry on.  What if the church, collectively, were to intentionally reach out to pregnant women?  The whole face of the abortion industry would be transformed.  

That day, I felt like God was telling me the legislation is probably never going to change.  We should still hope and vote according to our conscience.  But there will be too much opposition for a national ban on abortions, straight up, to be enacted.  So instead of devoting all my energies toward that end, he showed me another way, other options which truly could make a huge difference.  

Similarly, I don't believe that getting up in arms about this same-sex marriage thing will do any good.  I don't believe this legislation will be reversed.  I don't believe things will get any better.  If we are going to make a difference, we need to go at it in a different way.  We need to cheat.  I don't know exactly what that looks like, perhaps God will show me.  All I know to do right now is love the same-sex community, and love any gay and lesbian people who are in my circle of acquaintance.  I will not back down from what I believe is morally right.  But if I am going to make a difference, it is not by getting up in arms, not by hating.  It is by doing just the opposite.

Jesus changed the world through love; He calls us to do the same.

Reflections on Motherhood

Tonight when my baby fell asleep in my arms, I just sat there awhile, rocking, looking at his peaceful, sleeping face, loving the feel of his warm little body snuggled against my arm. I sat there for awhile, cherishing the moment rather than being in a hurry to put him in his bed.

For so long, I didn't know if I would ever be a mother to a baby here on earth, and for a long time, I was pretty sure that wonderful experience would never be mine. I think of that every day, and it reminds me how much of a blessing our “miracle baby” is. I thought of that tonight as I was rocking him... thought about how I thought I would never have a baby here... and now I do. He is here, real, and solid. When I see him sleeping so peacefully in my arms, my heart overflows with gratitude to God for this blessing and joy. Being a mother is the most wonderful thing I could ever imagine, and I am so thankful that I am able to experience this.

Tonight I just sat rocking him for awhile, praying for him, for his life, that he would grow to know and love God... and then I just reflected for awhile about how, having been through the experience of thinking we would never have kids makes me so much more thankful, so much more aware, of how precious this blessing is.
The title of this blog is "A Journey of Redemption."  I wrote that because I am becoming increasingly aware of how my life is this journey, and it is slowly being redeemed.  Things I struggle with, like anger, are being refined away.  Traits I sometimes hate, like my deep emotionality, God is showing me how He those are being redeemed for His kingdom.  I am also learning to understand how nothing is wasted.  The unbelievable pain of losing two babies in the womb, and walking through a dessert place, and a long time in which I felt barren... this pain is being redeemed.  The pain of loss is being redeemed to His glory.  I had a deep faith, and the trials I had been through before did not shake it.  I never thought I would be in a place where I would doubt, where I would struggle to trust, to believe in His sovereignty.  The redemption of this pain has taught me to trust again-- far more deeply and strongly than ever before.
His ways are not our ways-- and for this, I am so glad.  I never would have chosen to walk through this pain, but I am so thankful for what I learned through it.  I am so thankful also for His timing.  I was at last able to give my plans up to Him, accept we may never have children, and move on with my life.  Two months later we found out I was pregnant, and I was thrown for a loop again.  I had to trust God with that baby-- and sometimes it was very hard, and I was so afraid.  Sometimes I am still afraid.  But I trust.  I do trust.
Motherhood is hard.  When my baby is sick, sad, or in pain, it breaks my heart, because he is so young, so innocent, and he cannot understand what is going on.  When I hear him laugh it brings such overwhelming joy and happiness to me.  When he only sleeps in two hour segments all night it is frustrating, and sometimes I cry because I am so tired.  But most of the time I try to just cherish the moments.  Watching him grow, develop, understand more and more.  Watching him delight.  Watching him cry.  Holding him in my arms.  Seeing his peaceful face when he falls asleep.  Feeling the warmth of his little body in my arms.  Holding his hand.  Watching his face light up when I do things he likes. 
Every day I remember the two babies we lost.  Every day I think of them.  Also every day I remember the process of having to give up my hopes and plans, and accepting that we may never have children here.  And remembering that, makes me cherish these moments, these precious moments, all the moments that God will give us, so much more.  

Thanksgiving and Reflections

Last November at Thanksgiving I had just finished NaNoWriMo, and was thankful for how God had used the writing to help me process through some of the grief from recent heartache.  I was thankful because I felt I had new purpose and joy, and I was at peace about the losses and the possibility that James and I might not be able to have kids.  
A year later, I am thankful for an unexpected blessing which has brought us so much joy-- David Roger Frederick Holland.  Last year I did not know we had conceived the day after I finished NaNoWriMo, and when I took a pregnancy test on a whim 15 days later and it came out positive, I about fell over from surprise.  
Four months later we had another wonderful surprise when we found out we were having a boy. I was so excited, because I knew he would have a wonderful father, James Frederick Holland, who be there for him and would be an example of a strong, Godly man... just as he's always been to me. James' strong faith is what attracted me to him in the first place, and then I noticed things like how James always walked me home and opened my door. Four and a half years later, it has been quite a journey, but I am so thankful to be walking it with this man at my side!
This past year our family received another blessing, David's cousin, older by four months-- Robert Patrick Bracht. Robert brings so much joy to our family, and I am excited for David to have a boy cousin so close to his own age! Robert was early and David was late, (they were only supposed to be three months apart), but I am thankful they were both fighters, both healthy, and currently both are doing well.
I am thankful for my siblings, my two older brothers and their wonderful wives. I am thankful that I get to live in close proximity to some of them, Robert's parents, my brother Stephen Bracht and his wife Ginny. I am thankful that as we started this new journey they were a little ahead of us and were able to give helpful advice and hand-me-downs. :-)
I am thankful for my son's grandparents, Roger Bracht and Patty Bracht. I am thankful that David and Robert have such wonderful grandparents; I am thankful for the Godly example they are, and always have been; and I am thankful that, for now at least, we live in close proximity to them and get to celebrate holidays like Thanksgiving with them!
I am thankful for my in-laws, David Holland and Lois Holland. I am thankful my son has two Godly men for grandfathers, and we were honored to name him after them. I am thankful I got to see my parents-in-law this May at a family reunion. I am thankful that Lois was able to come in September, when David was 2 weeks old, and help out and visit. It was wonderful having her come and getting to know her more.
I am so thankful David has a Godly heritage. I pray he would learn to know God from an early age and would love and serve Him all his days!
I am also thankful for faithful friends, friends who walk beside you when the road gets rough; friends who help and pray for you. It was through reading many of my friend's statuses today on what they are thankful for that I was caused to pause and reflect on much written here.
This year two other people I am thankful for are the OB doctor who walked with me through my pregnancy, and the doctor who did such a wonderful job delivering David safely into the world!
Above all, I am thankful for a God whose ways are not my ways-- for the sacrifice of His son, through whose shed blood I have redemption, the forgiveness of sins-- and because of whom I have a future and a hope!

NaNoWriMo: An Update

I have now passed 40,000 in my word count.  As I sat back this morning after penning my 40,196th word, several realizations suddenly hit me.  The first was that, since the story is now over 100 pages, it would be difficult to go back over the entire thing in one day, like I could at the very beginning.  The other realization was that there is now a lot of story contained on these pages.  I hadn't really stopped to take stock of these things before, and doing so today made me very happy.

Before I go any further, I would like to share a little background about what started this remarkable journey.  For the past few months I haven't been doing very much writing.  Part of this was due to life being pretty busy, but a bigger part had to do with lack of motivation.  I haven't been working on any big projects in awhile, but was trying to get a couple of shorter pieces (a short story and an essay) ready to submit some places by the end of this year.  However I just wasn't feeling very motivated and was in fact rather discouraged about it all.  Things weren't going where I hoped, I only had one new story idea over the course of a few months and there was a tangle in it that I just couldn't seem to work out.  It felt like a bit of a stale-mate.

I hadn't been planning to do NaNoWriMo, mainly because I wasn't sure what to write about.  I could pull out an old story idea and try to develop it, but I wasn't too keen on that.  Or I could try writing this semi-new idea, ignoring the tangle I couldn't work out but writing it anyway and see if it worked itself out.  This didn't strongly appeal to me, either, but finally my lack of motivation in other projects caused me to make the decision.  I figured doing NaNoWriMo might spark some life into my creativity again, and if it went well, I would have the first draft of a manuscript at the end of the month.  Besides, I figured, even if it wasn't any good, I have never written 50,000 words before without learning something from the process.  It might be helpful just to focus on something different for awhile, as well.

So in the last week of October I decided to throw my proverbial hat into the ring.  I laid all my other writing projects aside, and just started pouring words out on paper.  To my surprise, it has gone remarkably well.  I began to grow more interested in my characters and the world they inhabited.  I was excited to develop that more.  I dreamed out scenes and wrote them down.  I like where the story is going.  Now that I have the story idea pretty well developed, I see the areas I need to change more clearly.  That tangle I made note of earlier has worked itself out, so in revisions I will be able to implement it into the story.  I'll be honest: it's messy.  There are long paragraphs and random conversations and short, choppy sentences... and probably too many semicolons.  But at least it is something solid now, not just a part of my imagination floating randomly around waiting for expression and development.
  
As usual when writing a story, there have been surprises.  Unexpected things have happened.  I think one of the biggest for me has been how personal the story has become.  I wasn't planning on that.  The other day I was writing a passage and the realization hit me that I was no longer writing my character's story-- I was writing mine.  Because my character was going through an experience I had been through, so I naturally understood the emotions that followed and began writing them down.  It surprised me, however, because I have struggled to write about those things before.  It has been emotional, and healing for me.  I feel like after this I can write my own story down, and continue processing through these things, which will be good.

Perhaps the biggest thing this process has done for me is that it has re-awakened my passion for writing.  Even if nothing else comes out of this story, I will be thankful for that.  As I was reflecting earlier today the thought came to me that it must look very strange to those of you looking on from the outside.  After all, these characters aren't real-- the world they live in isn't real.  So why do I get so much joy and fulfillment in writing about them?  It really doesn't change my life at all, at the end of the day my circumstances are just the same.  And the answer I came up with was, because I believe I am doing the work I was meant to do.  I think most people feel the same way when they are doing something they are truly passionate about.  That can be a whole range of things.  Science, cooking, serving, building, programming, painting, dancing, music.  Whatever God calls you to do.  When you are doing it, there is a certain excitement which only such work can evoke.  So while it might seem strange, might not make sense that what makes me passionate is entering into the worlds of my imagination and putting them down on paper, perhaps you can understand it from the perspective that this is the passion that God has put inside of me-- and in it's fulfillment, there is joy. :-)

A Writer Again

I have been struggling some lately with knowing who I am... my identity, specifically, my identity as a writer.  It's odd, identity is never something I have really struggled with before (which I am thankful for.)  And ever since I was fifteen years old I had my eyes on a goal and walked unswervingly toward it.  Writing.  But lately I have not really felt like a writer.  My creative impulse has seemed to have waned.  Life events intervened as well-- work, housework, and other events.  It was hard to find concentrated amounts of time to devote to writing.  I hadn't had any new ideas in awhile.
So as National Novel-Writing Month loomed I wasn't sure if I was going to participate or not.  I had an idea that I had been thinking about for awhile, but I still didn't feel it was very well developed and I wasn't sure it would go anywhere.  Should I try it?  I tried this "fly by the seat of your pants" method once before, in 2008, with moderate success, and out of that effort I created some of my favorite characters to date.  But other times I have tried it have been a flop.  My other successful NaNoWriMo effort came with lots of planning, outlining, and plot and character sketches.
I deliberated all the way up to the last part of October.  But there is just something about creating a story and challenging myself in conjunction with thousands of other writers, so I decided I'd try.  To my surprise, it has gone well so far.  I am not ahead of my word count, but I have kept up with my goals, and so far I love how the story is developing.  And I think I have plenty of plotline left to continue working it out-- hopefully all the way to 50,000 words!  And the creative impulse and the joy of writing has been awakened in me again.  I feel alive again... excited... happy.  Eager to pursue the storyline further.
Then, today, something else happened which made me very excited.  I came up with a new story idea.  I haven't come up with a brand new story idea in a very long time, and that fact has been kind of discouraging to me.  I forgot how amazing it is to have an idea come-- suddenly I see characters and scenes and I am following them through various events and eager to see what happens next.  In this case it came through a dream.  I woke up out of a vivid dream this morning and suddenly there was a scene and characters I wanted to know better.  I have been following them most of the day and I love these characters.  I can't wait to find out more about them.  It is so cool to suddenly have new characters that you love to add richness to your life-- and re-affirm your love of writing and joy in creation of stories.
I feel like a writer again!  It makes me so happy :-)