Light in the Darkness

When I look at the world around me, what I consistently see is a cycle of death.

Death is an inevitable reality to each of us, one of the few constants that is guaranteed, and cannot be stopped or reversed.  For some it comes sooner than for others. When a young person dies I am especially saddened, both by the reality of death and by a life never lived. Death always brings consequences, whether it is the impact on the loved ones left behind, or in some cases, far more severe consequences.  Murder often leads to revenge in the form of more murder, and the cycle perpetuates itself. We as people are prone to great evil, and as history marches on, I find this truth remains universally true: evil perpetuates more evil, and atrocities lead to revenge… lead to meting out the justice we believe to be deserved.

And then, into this mix comes Jesus.  Jesus, whose teachings go completely against the tide of popular culture and logical responses. Jesus teaches us to return good for evil. To love your enemies. To forgive those who wrong you. Not to take justice into your own hands. It makes no logical sense. And yet, when I look at the world, at the perpetual and increasing cycles of destruction and death, only where the teachings of Jesus are followed do I see life and light, a light that spreads out and touches all around it. Revenge does not solve the problem, ultimately it only brings more death; but forgiveness brings life, brings hope, brings change; it can change the cycle of death.   

In addition to teaching against the tide of culture and logic, Jesus also offers us hope. Hope that there is life beyond death, that the sorrows of this world are only temporary compared to an eternal reality- and he urges us to live in view of this reality. The Bible, the book that contains Jesus’ teachings, even boldly declares, “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”

Jesus stands, a lonely figure among many, walking resolutely upstream against a rushing current, and urging us to join him.  And for those who will take the plunge, there is guaranteed great hardship, and promised great reward.

I have been thinking about one of my D&D characters (Jason), and his story.  He had an encounter recently with an odd, morose figure (a death knight) named Damocles, and over the course of their interactions Jason shared his story with Damocles. Jason’s parents were killed and his village destroyed when he was a child, and all his life he had one goal: revenge. He went on to become a soldier and fought in the war, and eventually he realized that the only person his desire for revenge was hurting was himself, so he gave that desire up.  “Whatever would make a person give up a desire like that?” Damocles wonders, and Jason gives the reason honestly and frankly: he had an encounter with the All-Maker.  

It seems strange that a single encounter could compel a person to give up a goal they have single-mindedly worked toward for 14 years. But as Jason reflected on this encounter, what he remembered was a presence so powerful, and a love so pure, that all he could do was worship. It was an experience so profound that it brought a strong man to his knees and broke down the defenses of years.

This encounter would greatly affect the events that were to follow. It was not easy for Jason to walk this new path, and as the months and weeks went by he felt as though his very foundation was being ripped out from under him. He felt lost, adrift, and undone. He was being un-made, so that he could be re-made, and his story could be redeemed.

God has been doing the same in my own life. I have lately felt undone, my foundation ripped out from under me, lost, unsure of my identity and purpose. As God has slowly led me through that valley into the light on the other side, the instrument he has used is community. We so desperately need each other. As I have seen him working through community I am reminded again and again how contrary the teachings of Christ are to the world - and how beautiful they are in contrast to the ugliness all around us.

Ready.

I was thinking today about the first novel I ever wrote.  The characters I came to love, the story I spent hours developing, the glaring mistakes (like misspellings), and the not so obvious mistakes (like how I didn’t research what it would be like to be a lawyer in the 1800’s before making my main character one).  But I wrote a book-length manuscript at the age of 16, and, if nothing else, the experience was invaluable to me.  

But then my thoughts went further back.  My husband asked me today, “What did you do most of the time, growing up?”  

And my immediate answer was, “Read.”  

The truth is, most of my free time was spent reading.  Reading before bed, reading over lunch, reading after school.  My world was peopled with the characters I encountered through literature, and reading so much did birth a desire in me to write-- but I had no idea how that desire would ever come to fruition.  I had no idea how to develop characters or construct a story.  Then one year my mom suggested a program for me called “learn to write the novel way”, which would take me through the process of writing a novel and cover a year of high school english.  I was thrilled.  Finally, I would be able to take this deep desire and make it a reality.

My first book was a result of that program, and, as I said, the experience was invaluable though the result was feeble and faulty.  

I went on to earn a creative writing degree from UNM and my writing continued to improve by leaps and bounds, but I was still making a lot of mistakes, and when I read over manuscripts from that time it is rather painful to see them.  I have tried, from that time, to consistently put out creative content.  Sometimes I have succeeded more than others.  A year and a half around the time I had my baby I barely put out anything; but in this past year I have been very happy with my creative content, mainly poured into the website devoted to Dungeons and Dragons.  But having consistent output sparks my creative mind and helps me improve in my writing, if all I am doing is summarizing a session of DnD, I still think about how to make it sound good, what literary techniques I can apply to make it sound better, how I can improve my character development, etc.  

I feel like now, at the age of 28, I have finally become a good enough writer I could finish a manuscript and seriously think about publishing it.  But the fact that it took me 13 years to reach that point is rather daunting, and now I still have to finish and attempt to publish, which is a whole other daunting mountain.  Still.  Thinking of that today, felt like an accomplishment to me.  

Dungeons and Dragons and Life

On my birthday I got to play a long session of Dungeons and Dragons with my favorite character, a fighter named Jason.  I had an amazing time and Matt and Leanna planned some special things for me.  Jason is now a level 17 fighter, he is the highest level of any of our characters, because I have played him the most.  The reason I like him so much is not because of his abilities, but because of his character and story.  

What I am starting to realize about D&D is that no matter how much you try to separate yourself from your character, you never can entirely.  At this point I have been playing D&D for three years, in-game about eight years, and over that time I have played seven different characters.  Some characters I freely admit are very like me in one characteristic or another, while other characters were deliberately built to be different from me.  But the character I made to be most different from me has turned out to be most like me, which strikes me as strangely ironic.  

Circumstantially, we’re not exactly the same.  Starting with the basics, like the fact that he is a male character, and working our way outward to details like occupation (he is a former soldier.)  He lost his parents, I lost two children.  But both of us had to work through a process of grief, anger, pain, and forgiveness.  For both of us, that took about a year and included a very significant meeting with the All-Maker (God.)  Both of us have been struggling with personal identity and purpose, both of us have struggled with repressed, uncontrolled emotions which have come out in unhealthy ways (most notably, anger), and both of us have had significant moments where we were told to “keep fighting.”  These moments have paralleled each other in real life and in the game.  And now, finally, Jason has been given a new purpose, new weapon, and embraced the light to fight the shadows.  Something that is very similar to what has happened in my life lately.  

No matter how I try to separate myself from this particular character, no matter how different I feel like our lives are, somehow, some way, our story arcs end up being parallel.  It sounds crazy to think that God cares about D&D, but I no longer believe this is a coincidence.  I have been taught so much through this character.  I can’t wait to find out what happens next in his story, but the real reason for that is that I am excited to find out what happens next in mine.

Busy

Life is busy.

What my living room typically looks like
after the little guy goes to sleep.

As the mother of a (very active and mischievous) toddler, the majority of my days are spent taking care of him, chasing after him, and cleaning up his messes.  Usually after he goes down for a nap or after he goes to bed I just have to sit for a little while and look at the chaos all around me and wonder how one small person could have caused it all.  Then I will get up and clean up his mess one more time.  But as I put away his toys and his shoes I remember the sweet little boy who loves to share them, with his adorable smile, his kisses, and this cute ways.  It makes it all worth it.  

The truth is, I love my life.  

This is the cutie I get to spend
my days with!

I am doing what I always wanted to do: I stay at home and take care of the house, I can focus full time on raising our child, and I live with some other great people to boot which helps ward off the loneliness during James’ long hours at school.  

But it can be overwhelming.  

I look at the pile of books I can’t wait to read which I am (very slowly) working my way through.  I put the baby down for a nap and, ignoring the pile of dirty dishes which desperately need to be washed I instead set up my laptop and grab a cup of coffee, answering the creative itch which I have been feeling all day.  

I think back on days where I had hours to devote to reading or watching my favorite show.  

Countless minutes to waste in any way that I wish.  I do not wish for those days back, for in spite of the busyness of my life, my time is much more profitably spent now because it has become far more precious.  Moments when I can sit down and write, uninterrupted, are much harder to find than they were before.  Dishes can be done when the baby is awake; now, I write, the words flowing out as I answer the creative urge deep within me.  Sitting in the messy kitchen, earbuds in, computer open, coffee at hand.

Life is busy.  But I am blessed.  

As a moment of quiet descends, I take it to sit back amidst the chaos and simply be thankful.  Thankful for a little time to work on my creative projects, but more thankful still for the living epistle that is being written on the pages of my son’s life.  

"You have my very heart."

"'I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.'" -Ezekiel 36:26

The phrase I have been pondering a lot lately is "You have my very heart."  When God speaks to me, He calls me by a variety of names-- but one He has called me often lately is "beloved heart."  Years ago He would sometimes call me "heart", and when I began to ponder why this was that phrase came into my mind: "You have my very heart."  In the book of Ezekial there is a scene where God says the author's heart of stone will be replaced with a heart of flesh.  I realized, when we accept Christ and become new creations, God puts His spirit inside of us, and this enables us to feel what He feels.  We are also called Christ's ambassadors.  We are called to show God's love to those around us.  What often motivates love is compassion-- seeing those who are hurting and broken and being moved by compassion to love them.
Recently one of my friends was having a hard time emotionally, and even though I didn't know the context of what was going on with her I felt an incredibly deep sadness and sorrow.  As I was pondering over this and wondering why, I felt like God was telling me "That is how I feel, too."  Opening my eyes to understand how He sees and feels towards those around me, even when I don't always know or understand the little details.  Thus moving me to intercessory prayer, to love and to action.  Longing to love.  Longing to fight.  Praising my heavenly Father even more because I understand more and more the magnitude of the work He has done, and the magnitude of the work He wants to accomplish through us as His ambassadors-- as those with His very heart.

An Encouraging Meeting

I met with a former mentor today-- someone who was a staff worker with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship when I was attending UNM (he is now the area director of IVCF.)  Lately I have been thinking about people who have mentored me and how much they have spoken into my life-- he was one of those people, and recently I was thinking over some words he once said to me.  I have always been a shy, timid person-- he was one of the first people to really encourage me not to live out of that fear because Christ has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of "power, and love, and self-discipline."  He really encouraged me to step out in faith and obedience to Christ, empowered by the spirit.  I have never forgotten that.  To this day, those words have made a huge impact.  I was thinking of a few other things he said and/or did too, and then the thought occurred to me, you should tell him this, it might encourage him to hear it. So I asked if we could meet.
I did share this with him-- but as usually happens, I was the one who felt encouraged at the end of our meeting.  He asked me-- as he always does-- what God has been doing in my life.  I opened up about the whole crazy journey I have been on the past few years-- the ups, the downs, the unexpected events, the struggles, and coming out of it all with my faith strengthened.  I shared what God has been showing me lately about fighting.  I want to be someone who is strong, who is a fighter, but naturally I'm not that way at all.  Lately there has been a theme running through my life-- revealed even through the characters I play in DnD-- about standing, and fighting, and being bold and courageous.  God has told me certain new challenges are coming, but He has also told me He will be victorious.  I am so excited to see what He does.
"You have grown," he told me at last, "you wouldn't have spoken this way in college."  I knew he was right.  My faith, though deep, did not have the depth it would attain through suffering.  When I finally settled into silence he asked me questions-- drawing out thought I had not spoken, helping me see things in a different way.  When we finally finished up our conversation and prepared to part ways he looked at me.  "Laura, I am proud of you."
The words warmed my heart.  I am proud of you.  To hear that from someone you really look up to-- someone you respect-- someone whose faith you admire-- it made me so happy.
And then he said, "I hope you hear this from Jesus too-- 'well done, good and faithful servant.'"
I hope so, too.  The thought of it filled my eyes with tears.  When I finally see Jesus face to face-- if I hear those words-- then nothing else will matter.  I will shed the shackles of this earth and my heart will be at home.
Jesus is the great reward of Christianity.
I could not ask for anything more.  

I Finally Understand

For a long time now I have felt that God is calling me to write about my experiences losing our babies.  For awhile I couldn't.  Then I felt I could, but every time I tried somehow it just wasn't right.  I am willing but I just wasn't sure what it was supposed to look like.  Last night, suddenly, it clicked.

After losing baby number two I went through a year of struggle.  After that year I was in a place where I was able to accept that God might have different plans for us than what I had always thought-- my only question was, what those plans were.  Then I thought about my writing and thought maybe I was supposed to do more with that, so for the next month I focused on drafting a novel from an idea I'd had in my mind for awhile.  The writing went well, but the story took a different direction than I expected... it took a very personal turn.  I did not realize this as I was writing it, but after I finished the draft and went back and read it, then I was amazed.  I was writing from the perspective of my main character-- but really, I was writing my story.  It was the first time since it happened that I was able to write about my pain, and it was really helpful and healing for me.  That was November, 2013.

After that I laid the manuscript aside for awhile to focus on the holidays and family time, and then I was pregnant and sick all the time and didn't feel like writing.  When I finally got back into writing a few months ago I looked at that manuscript, but realized it would need a lot of editing if I was to do anything with it, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to do anything with it.  So I laid it aside again and worked on some other things-- journaling, essays, a short story, and the new fantasy story idea I had with James.  All the while feeling this nudge from God and trying to work on that too, but as I said it never really went anywhere.

Off and on over the past two years scenes from this story will sporadically come into my mind.  All this week, the past four or five days I have had one particular scene in my mind.  I have been replaying it over and over and over, thinking about every detail, every conversation, every piece of furniture, the weather, everything.  It has become incredibly real to me.  Yesterday, God showed me two things.  The first was that understanding this scene has helped me relate to what a friend has been going through this week-- something I would not have understood before.  I believe the second thing is that I need to share my story through this story-- in a way that is not quite as direct as I thought, but still portrays all of my emotions, my pain, my journey.  I think this is a story that is supposed to be written.  

And realizing that, has made me so excited...

Putting the NL Wild Card Game into Perspective

Old school baseball.  I love it.  This is going to be an amazing series.  It is going to be a series that pits the best against the best.  It is going to be youth vs experience.  The Cardinals seasoned players vs. the Cubs rookies.  Mike Matheny, who only has three years managerial experience vs Joe Maddon, who has been managing 22 years and took the Rays to the World Series in 08.

There are two words which are bandied around a lot in baseball these days-- “pitch count.”  The idea is to preserve the pitcher’s arm and perhaps extend his career by keeping him to 100 pitches or less.  Some managers consider this a hard-and-fast rule, to the point I feel it is damaging and can undermine a pitcher’s confidence.  Some managers don’t worry so much about it.  And then there are managers like Tony Larussa, who gave himself a bigger bullpen and specialized pitcher to batter, sometimes bringing in a pitcher to face just one batter or throw one pitch.  The point is, in the old days a pitcher finished the game no matter how long it took.  These days you almost never hear of that, but a very close eye is kept on “pitch count.”

Last night the Cubs won their first playoff game in 12 years.  I have only been a Cubs fan for 11 years, so this was the first time I have ever seen the Cubs win a playoff game.  Granted, it was a game they shouldn’t have had to play in the first place because they had such a good record that if they had been in any other division they would have won it.  Ironically, the teams with the top three best record were all in the National League Central, so the Cubs played their division rivals, the Pittsburgh Pirates, in the National-League Wild Card game.  This is a one-game wild-card playoff game, and the winner plays in the National League Division Series.  I know… they only started doing this two years ago, and it is confusing.  But anyway, by this weird coincidence the Cubs played the Pirates, a team they have played four or five times already this season, the last series being just a couple weeks ago, the second-to-last series for both teams.

It’s been an amazing season for the Cubs.  When the Cubs brought in Theo Epstein and started doing all this team revamping and acquiring of young talent I was dubious.  After their rather miserable last couple seasons I was pretty sure that if it was going to work, it would take a few years.  I was thinking 2016, 2017 they might be contenders.  But not this year.  Then they signed Jon Lester, one of the most in-demand free agent pitchers on the market, one who could have had his pick of teams, but chose the Cubs because he wanted to help them become playoff contenders.  And then they signed Joe Maddon.

Joe Maddon was the manager of the Tampa Bay Rays for quite a few years.  The Rays are the team that has the lowest budget in the American League, they had no big-name players and were consistently the cellar-dwellers of the American League East.  Joe Maddon came in, made some major changes to the atmosphere in the clubhouse, and the Rays won not only the division, but went on to the World Series.  It was amazing.  So when the Cubs signed him, I began have a little bit of hope that some positive changes were coming.  In a year or two.

I’m not ashamed to admit I was wrong, and I give props to Epstein and Maddon.  Maddon took a young, inexperienced bunch of players and helped them form a cohesive, competitive team.  Long story short… they won 97 games this year, a great record.

Wednesday was the wild-card playoff, and it was one of the best games I’ve ever seen, in no small part because of Jake Arrieta.  I love reading stories of the old baseball greats, but to see a someone who is having a season rivaling (and exceeding) some of the best pitchers in baseball history is absolutely cool and amazing… and he is on my team!  Jake Arrieta has gotten consistently better and better as the season has gone on, to the point he is unbeatable, unhittable, and absolutely dominant.  The last twenty games of the season he had a .75 era, which is the best in baseball history over a twenty game stretch.  Yes, you read that right, the best in baseball history… ever.

He’s the guy the Cubs sent to the mound on Wednesday, and as expected, he dominated the Pirates.  The Pirates were unable to capitalize at all, and Arrieta stayed calm even in scary situations like when the bases were loaded due to an error in the sixth… he just stayed calm, kept pitching, and got the double play ball.  Inning over.  He struck out 11, gave up no walks, 4 hits, and zero runs.  He threw 113 pitches through the complete game.  As the seventh inning came up we were starting to wonder if they were planning to bring anyone in, but nobody was warming up and Arrieta batted for himself.  When he came out in the eighth I began to think the plan was to leave him in for the whole game… and I was right.  Maddon had complete confidence in him and Arrieta went the distance.  I found out later this was the plan all along.  Unless things got really, really bad, Maddon had no plans to pull Arrieta, at all.  When asked what Arrieta’s pitch count was, the answer was “infinity.”  Old school baseball.  The pitcher goes out and finishes what he starts, doesn’t leave his work in the hands of some reliever.  Beautiful.

Arrieta later gave credit to Dexter Fowler and his teammates for scoring in the first inning, and I agree, this was big too, to get the momentum on the Cubs side and cool off the (very excited) crowd a little.  The Cubs scored three runs early and I am sure this helped bolster Arrieta’s confidence.  But seriously, seeing a pitching performance like that… just, wow.

Another cool thing that happened during the game happened in the seventh.  Arrieta grazed two of the Pirates batters earlier in the game with pitches that got out of his control-- barely hitting them, clearly unintentional.  Then when Arrieta came up to bat with two outs in the top of the seventh the first pitch hit him in the ribcage.  The benches and bullpens cleared and players stormed the field.  Punches were thrown.  Through it all Arrieta remained pretty calm.  The game resumed after a few minutes with Arrieta on first and the top of the lineup.  The first thing Arrieta did was steal second base.  You never see pitchers steal, and it was only the fifth time in post-season play a pitcher has stolen a base.

It made me so happy because that is the way you should respond to a situation like that.  Instead of getting revenge by hitting their guy, Arrieta responded through gameplay.  It’s like, “Ok, you want to put me on base?  I’ll put myself in scoring position!”  Maddon never called for any intentional hpb revenge on the Pirates players.  They responded by playing the game.  That’s class.

The Cubs struck early and hard.  The young players stepped up.  And Arrieta was given the opportunity to show everyone one of the most dominant post-season pitching performances ever.  Afterwards Arrieta gave credit to the Pirates pitcher, Gerrit Cole, saying he is an amazing pitcher and they knew they would have to work hard to beat the Pirates.  I love this Cubs team.  I love the energy, the class, the talent, and the atmosphere that Maddon brings to the clubhouse.  Maddon would say afterwards that their philosophy is to play the same way every single day-- not treating any one game as different or more important than another.  He also talks about the importance of having fun and not letting the pressure get to you (HUGE for the Cubs), and he compared Arrieta to Bob Gibson, one of the greatest pitchers of all time.  He said pulling Arrieta would have been like pulling Bob Gibson out of a playoff situation.  No, he intended to let him go all the way and finish it.  As a result, we got to see one of the greatest pitching performances ever, and the Cubs made it look easy beating the second best team in baseball in a playoff game away from home.

At first I was disappointed they had to play in this wild-card playoff game.  But I’m not anymore.  For the Cubs, it was a good first taste of the playoffs.  Now they are going to St. Louis with the experience of having won a playoff game away from home under their belt.  They can ride the momentum to hopefully another playoff win away from home.  They showed that they are very good and they can get it done.  This game was a very big deal, and it could be pivotal to their momentum down the line.   

Now they are traveling to St. Louis to play the best team in baseball, who also happens to be the Cubs’ historical division rivals.  I know the Cubs too well to be disappointed if they lose.  But yesterday showed me what they can do.  Also, the Cubs have won 4 of the last 6 games they have played against the Cardinals, and Jon Lester pitches today.  If they do win and go on, perhaps to the World Series, I also will no longer be surprised.  I have legitimate reason to hope that Joe Maddon’s philosophy about how to play the game, combined with his funny gimmicks, like pj parties and bringing zoo animals to the clubhouse, might actually dispel the unbelievable pressure I have seen the Cubs break under before and allow them to play with all the talent I know they possess.  If they can do that, they have a legitimate shot of going all the way.   

But win or lose, we are going to see some amazing, old-school baseball this weekend.

I can’t wait.

Cubs 2015

Joe Maddon is amazing.  Seriously.
I loved his response to an incident that happened yesterday in the game vs the Cardinals regarding a hit-by-pitch incident.  He is logical, down to earth, straight forward, loyal to his players, tells it like it is, creates a great atmosphere, and knows baseball.  The Cubs are six back of the Cardinals in the division, a game behind the Pirates.  I am super bummed that the Cubs have such an amazing record and yet are in danger of finishing third in their division.  I saw a stat the other day that said the Cubs could have the best third-place finish since 1960.  I found this rather depressing, but Maddon had a different, and really cool response.  It's been rather depressing to be a Cubs fan the past few years, but things are finally starting to happen.  The Cubs are going to the post-season for the first time in seven years (granted, it will probably be in a wild-card spot, and they could lose immediately in the one-game wild card playoff, or, if not there, they will face the Cardinals in the NLDS and I don't have much hope for that matchup.)  But win or lose, it is all very exciting, not only for this season but because of the promise of next season.  Things are only looking up.

 

One Year

I can’t believe this little guy is 1!  
The time went by so fast.  It is amazing to see him grow and develop daily.  He loves crawling everywhere and climbing on everything.  He is almost walking.  He is stubborn, and gets upset when he can’t get what he wants; but most of the time he is pretty happy.  He loves being chased (especially by Dad!) and playing “peek-a-boo”.  He can say a few words and babbles all the time.  He eats a ton and is growing like a weed.  Lately he has been sleeping well (9-10 hours at night with a nap in the afternoon.)  He likes playing with his cousin Robert and with house-mate Sunder.  He is a happy, healthy, mischievous, energetic, fun-loving youngster.     

After praying for a child for four years and experiencing two losses, the verse God gave me when I became pregnant with David was, “sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”  That has proven to be true, as David is a blessing and a joy, a true ray of sunshine in our lives.  My prayer for him is that he will, like his Biblical namesake, “follow hard after God.”  I pray he will love and serve God all his days.  I could ask for no greater gift than that.  

We love you so much, Davey.  Happy birthday!