When God is Silent

I had a vivid dream a few nights ago.

This year has been hard. There have been many days where I felt God was silent. And because I couldn't hear his voice, because I wasn't receiving words of direction or comfort, my faith faltered and I struggled with some profound doubts.

Then I had this dream. In my dream I was outside of time, flying over events that happened in the Old Testament. And then I reached this point - this period - where there was just darkness, and silence. There was this period between the old and the new testament that lasted four-hundred years, and as far as we know, there were no judges, no prophets, no word from God during this period - there was just silence. And I thought, how the people who lived during this period must have wondered, and questioned, and cried, and prayed. It must have been so hard to have faith.

And then God broke his silence. He broke it by sending an angel to the unlikeliest of places, a little out-of-the-way settlement called Nazareth. He appeared there to a young virgin girl named Mary, with some astonishing news: she was going to be the vessel to help bring the son of God into the world in earthly form. In my dream, I saw people bustling all over the place, in Jerusalem and many of the bigger towns, hustling and bustling about their business, having no idea that something so amazing, so incredible, was happening in this small, town.

Nine months later, God broke his silence again, by sending an angel to some of the lowliest people on earth - shepherds - to announce the good news that God now dwelt with man. And then there was a multitude of angels. A multitude! What must that have been like? It's hard to imagine.

In my dream, I passed quickly over the years of Jesus growing up, starting his ministry, and then dying. I saw the torn curtain in the temple. The glorious resurrection. And then I zoomed out and came back to that curtain again. There may be moments when we feel like God is silent, but I realized, he never really is. It is nothing like those four-hundred years; it will never be like that for us. The curtain is torn, the gulf has been bridged, and the spirit of God dwells with men. God broke his silence for all time through the person and work of Jesus.

Rest

Three years ago, God changed my personality.

Growing up, I was the shyest, most timid person you could imagine. I was totally introverted, happiest spending time by myself, and didn't really see a need for relationships. I was homeschooled, and I loved growing up in the Jemez Mountains of northern New Mexico. I took long walks in the woods and read God's story in the trees and flowers. They became like personal friends to me.

From the time I was young, I have always loved stories. My mom and I would enjoy many classics together in the mornings, and I would read myself in my free time. When I was 15 I started writing my first novel, from an idea that had been germinating in my brain for a long time. I was given an old computer that once belonged to my brother with Windows 98 on it, and I would spend hours working on it, late into the night, while I listened to my favorite music. Those hours filled were filled with the joy of creation and imagination, and are some of my pleasantest memories of my teenage years.

Completing that manuscript confirmed for me that I wanted to pursue writing further, and I applied to and was accepted into UNM's creative writing program. The first few days away from my family and the mountains were hard, but I soon formed a community through Intervarsity Christian Fellowship, and I had an amazing teacher for freshman English. I began learning the value of relationships, and I thrived socially and academically. But though I saw myself blossom in many ways, it was still a trial for me to speak up in class or deal with strangers.

Still - my time at UNM was highly gratifying and greatly shaped me into the person I am today. My dearest dream was to get married and be a mother, and while I stayed home with my children I would write books - hopefully bestsellers. Things began to look as though they were falling into place when I got engaged my senior year of college. But after that, nothing went as we had planned. We went through job losses, job gains, residence changes, and two miscarriages. Finally, after we had been married four years, I gave birth to our miracle rainbow baby, a little boy - and I got to stay home with him. It was wonderful.

When he was about a year old, God started putting other dreams in my heart. I had considered being a teacher once, but because of my shyness and timidity never thought it could happen. But God began putting this back on my heart, and as my husband and I began working on expanding our family again, God changed my personality. He removed the shyness and timidity I had battled with all my life, and gave me a boldness and passion I had never experienced before. As time moved forward and we faced secondary infertility, I felt God whispering to me that we might not have a lot of children as we once imagined, but that I would be an influence on the lives of other people's children. The idea began to thrill me.

I started looking into grad school English programs. I told my husband I wanted to go back to school, and he was supportive. I discovered UNM had a wonderful English MFA (Master of Fine Arts) program, and I signed up for two grad school classes.

My first day back at UNM, I was very nervous. It was seven years since I had been on campus as a student - seven years since I had any kind of homework routine down - and now I had a child. Plus, I had no idea what grad classes would be like. But from the first moment in the classroom I fit back into that world as though I had never left - with one major difference. I no longer battled that shyness and timidity that had kept me from fully entering into the classroom experience before. I engaged the material and entered into the classroom discussions with zeal and joy. I developed relationships and gathered tips for my upcoming grad school application.

I got A's in both classes. It was a huge confidence booster to know I could handle graduate level classes, and do well. But as the grad school application deadline loomed, I finally admitted the reality that had been rearing its ugly head for awhile - I was struggling with depression. I knew I needed to deal with my health before jumping into the stresses of grad school, so I reluctantly decided to put it off for a year.

Over the following months, I got back on track with my diet and exercise, lost weight, worked on things I loved and connected more with James and David. It was good, but in spite of it all my mental health kept deteriorating. I would become easily overwhelmed, easily irritable, susceptible to huge mood swings, increasingly self-condemning, and finally, my faith began to falter.

That was a dark time and I don't like to think about it much. But some people came alongside me and helped lift me out of that place. I started getting some help through mentoring and counseling, and at last we made the difficult decision to try medication. As day after day went by with no seeming difference, I would dissolve into tears and ask why God was allowing this to happen.

Then, finally, about three and a half weeks after I started the medication, I began to notice a difference. I did not feel as depressed all the time, and I was able to influence my feelings through positivity again. And then, I started feeling like me again. I was still susceptible to the stresses of everyday life, but I also felt joy again, I felt passionate, and my sense of humor came back. I saw my husband staring at me one morning, and when I asked him why, he said, "You're smiling. You haven't smiled much this past year. It's nice." I sadly had to acknowledge he was right, but I was happy I felt like smiling again. I felt like my old self. I never thought I would be so happy just to feel normal.

Still, this had been a long journey and it took its toll. We were tired. As the deadline loomed again, I knew I still wasn't in a place to handle the pressures of graduate school. But I didn't want to put it off another year. As I felt the dream slipping away, I held onto it with white knuckled intensity, not wanting to let it go, not ready to acknowledge that I wasn't strong enough to do it.

As I wrestled with God, He gently moved in my heart and life - never giving up on me. He provided a place so that we could move back to the country - a perfect place for us. A place, God told me, to rest and to heal. Over the past few weeks as we've settled in here, I have finally been able to let this dream go. This dream that wasn't even mine in the first place, but God's - in His time He will bring it about. For now, I am embracing this opportunity to rest. I believe I can start writing again, and there are several projects I feel God has put on my heart - hopefully you will hear more about those soon! But what makes me happiest, is that as I have surrendered to God, not understanding His plan but accepting it, once again I feel incredible joy, and beautiful peace.

As 2019 dawns, I am writing again, enjoying relationships, and thankful that my mind - and heart - are finally starting to heal.

Scars

I’ll admit it: I have a few scars I like to show off.  My most severe injury - a broken collar bone - did not leave an outward scar, but I can still feel the bone scar where it healed.  And I can’t carry any purses on my right shoulder, they slide off, because it is sloped slightly more than my other. These are little reminders of the bike accident that caused the injury, and I like to tell the story. I like to think about the good that came out of that situation.  A greater appreciation for the fragility of life - the decision to pursue more depth of relationships - and deeper gratitude for the time God has granted me.

My gnarliest scar is from a hand injury that required eight stitches.  I was washing a drinking glass and it shattered. My husband and I ended up taking a late-night trip to the emergency room, and to boot, it was our fourth anniversary.  That’s one I won’t ever forget.

The scars I am proudest of, though, are the stretch marks from my pregnancy with my son.  That experience was by far the most painful I have ever endured; but it was all worth it. To take part in the creation and birth of a new life is nothing short of a miracle.

It didn’t strike me until yesterday how odd that all is.  Lifelong mementos of potentially traumatizing injuries become, after the fact, trophies we proudly show off to others.  Why is this?

I think, upon reflection, the reason we are so proud of these scars, and the reason we are so happy to show them off, is because we remember the injuries, yes, but we are proud to have come through those experiences and gotten to the other side.  Take my stretch marks. I am proud of them. When I look at them, I remember a little foot being shoved into my ribs, the nausea, the sleepless nights. I remember the pain of birth, which was far worse than anything I had ever imagined (and I have a pretty high pain tolerance.)  And I think about my son now, a happy, healthy three-year-old, who has no idea everything I went through to bring him safely into the world. He never will understand - fully. But that doesn’t matter. I’m glad I went through it - because of love.

Every Easter, it seems like a different aspect of the Easter story strikes me.  This year, it was the story of Thomas. His doubt, and his desire to put his hands into the scars of Jesus.  John writes, “A week later the disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, ‘Peace be with you!’  Then he said to Thomas, ‘Put your fingers here; see, my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.’ Thomas said to him, ‘My Lord and my God!’” (John 20:26-28).

I never really thought about it before, Jesus’ scars.  But somehow, this Easter, it all came together in my mind.  All the fear and terror in the Garden of Gethsemane. All the unbelievable pain and torture of the cross.  In the face of it all, Jesus did not falter, though he wished there were another way. He went through with it - all of it.  And then he rose again, having finished the work he was sent to do. But he wasn’t the same - he still bore those scars. Every time he looks at them, I wonder if he thinks of all the pain and suffering and trauma he endured?  Or is he happy and proud and joyful, because he endured it, but it is over now, for all time? Did the scars of such unbelievable trauma, in the end become happy reminders? I am inclined to think so. I wonder what Jesus’ voice sounded like, when he appeared to Thomas that day.  Somehow, I feel like it must have rang with joyous triumph. “Put your fingers here; see, my hands… stop doubting and believe.”

“[Jesus], for the joy that was set before him, endured the cross, despising its shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2.) Jesus went through it - and I think he’s glad he went through it - for the sake of love.  What an amazing thought to reflect upon.

God with Us

“O come, O come, Emmanuel,

And ransom captive Israel

That mourns in lonely exile here,

Until the son of God appear

Rejoice!  Rejoice!

Emmanuel

Shall come to thee,

O Israel.”

I love the Christmas carol O Come, O Come Emmanuel.  I find the words so beautiful, and so haunting.  Beautiful because Emmanuel did come to Israel; sad because Israel missed it.  They missed the Savior who came two thousand years ago and they are still looking for one yet to come.  

Christmas is my favorite holiday.  I think the verse that embodies Christmas for me is the first part of John 1:14: “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.”  It is so hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that God became a human, and it was through his humanity that he made a way for the rest of mankind to be saved.  

Christmas and Easter are always inescapably tied together in my mind.  On Christmas he came, the plan began to unfold; but on Easter it was finished.  The Savior came.  All through the old testament they waited; and then there was four-hundred years of silence, how hard it must have been to live at that time!  

But we live in the time when the waiting is over.  The Savior has come - God has dwelt among us - and because of that we have a future and a hope.  We do, indeed, have great reason to rejoice; which is why I love the second part of the song.  I always feel sad at the first part, but I feel happy at the second part because Emmanuel did come.  He incarnated into our reality, he walked among us, and he paid the ultimate price so that we could be right with God.   

Cars 3

I think I have a new favorite movie: Cars 3.  

The original Cars has been my favorite movie for a long time.  Cars 2 was good too, even though I know a lot of people didn’t like it.  Cars 2 was definitely out there - but I liked the themes of solidifying friendship between Mater and Lightning, even though they are so different, and again showing just how great a racer Lightning is.  

I liked the original Cars because of the character arc of Lightning McQueen.  I love stories where the characters change, and grow, and that is definitely the theme in Cars.  He starts out the movie as a rookie who has had phenomenal success - he is self-centered and arrogant, he lacks a crew chief and says he doesn’t need one, and he doesn’t really have any close friends, either.  All of that changes when he becomes stranded in a tiny town on Route 66.  While there, he meets the zany but big-hearted Mater, the lawyer Sallie who moved there to get away from the city and live at a slower pace, and the bitter old racer, Doc Hudson.  Through his interactions with them Lightening is taken down a notch, learns about real friendships, enjoys taking life at a slower pace, and re-evaluates his priorities.  At the end of the movie, his friends come out to see him in his Piston Cup race and Doc takes on the role of crew chief, guiding him through the race.  At the end of the movie McQueen has a chance to put everything he has learned into practice, and he does, prompting Doc Hudson to tell him “You’ve got a lot of stuff, kid.”  

But Cars 3 - wow.

At the beginning of Cars 2 it is hinted that Doc Hudson has died; but this isn’t dwelt on very much.  It comes out more in Cars 3, when Lightning McQueen is beginning to struggle against a new generation of racers.  After an accident on the track prompts him to take some time off, Lightning decides to get some training so he can learn some new techniques to use against these racers.  After various attempts to find something that works, Lightning is discouraged because he doesn’t seem to be getting everywhere.  A conversation with Mater prompts him to seek out Smoky, Doc Hudson’s old crew chief and trainer.  He travels to a small town in North Carolina where he encounters not only Smoky, but a number of the old racers Doc used to know.  They all share stories about Doc Hudson, prompting Lightning to say “I wish I had known him like that.”

“Like what?”  Smoky asks.

“So happy,” Lightning says.  “He was so happy when he was racing, I wish I could have seen that.”

At which point Smoky takes Lightning to his home/office and shows him various letters and news clippings Doc sent him over the years.  “Doc loved racing, sure,” he tells Lightning, “and when he had to quit, it broke his heart… but I have never seen him so happy as when he was working with you and training you.  Racing wasn’t the best part of his life - you were.”

I’m not joking, I legit cried during this scene.  

I won’t spoil the rest of the movie for you, save to say it shows Lightning following in Doc’s footsteps, becoming a mentor and then at the end of the movie showing up painted in Doc’s colors as a tribute to Doc Hudson.  

In almost every one of the stories I write there is a very strong mentor figure.  Family relationships are often dysfunctional, but there is always a strong mentoring relationship.  The mentors who have poured into my life have changed me in ways I will never forget, and it is just something I am really passionate about and that touches me on a very deep level.  So when I saw this scene in Cars 3… I loved it so, so much.  

I was watching some of the deleted scenes and commentary recently and saw some of the original ideas the producers had for Cars 3.  They were originally going to make Cruz Ramirez a young rookie training at the Rust-Eze center, and have Lightning see a younger version of himself in her - thus their relationship develops.  But they thought that would be following the storyline of Cars 1 too closely.  I don’t think so.  I liked what they did, but I think I would have liked this a little better.  And they also mentioned that one idea the producers had was for Lightening McQueen to debut his new colors at the Piston Cup, where he goes on to beat Jackson Storm.  I do wish they had done that - I feel like that would have been so satisfying.  The one thing I feel like we were cheated out of was watching Lightning beat Jackson Storm, so I think that would have been a great ending, although I understand it may have seemed over-the-top.  On the other hand, this is probably the last film in the franchise, so why not go all out?  At any rate, I am glad I at least know they thought of it, and I think it does hint at the fact that Lightning does beat Jackson Storm.  

Cars 3 is a great, great movie, and right now I am not entirely sure whether Cars 1 or Cars 3 is my favorite movie of all time.  I do know I am bummed I can’t find a Cars t-shirt in adult sizes...

Thoughts on the Cubs after game 2 of the NLDS

The Cubs lost a heartbreaker tonight.  That was hard.

But they lost to a really good team.  A team I predicted from the beginning of the season would go to the World Series.  I just didn’t know they would be playing the Cubs to get there.  And the Cubs are really good, too.  

They’ve had such a magical run.  I was thinking about that tonight.  I wrote in my facebook status a few years ago that I didn’t want Lou Piniella to become the Cubs’ manager.  Well, it turned out I was wrong on that one.  Piniella did become the Cubs manager, and he was one of the best things to happen to them.  

But not as good as Joe Madden.  Joe Madden is by far the best manager the Cubs have had since I started following them.  Joe Madden is an old school manager who is very much for his players, and very much about the mindset going into baseball.  He is about teamwork, keeping things in perspective, having a good time, and moving forward when you get hard knocks.  

He KNOWS the game.  Very rarely do I disagree with his decisions, and I can’t think of a time when he has challenged a play and been wrong.  He listens to his players, he knows the game, and he is able to help his team come together and not cave under pressure (which is SO important for the Cubs.)  

I love post-season baseball.  It has such a neat feel to it.  As a Cubs fan, it’s not something I get to experience very often.  I feel like the past three years have spoiled me.  The Cubs went to the post-season in 2015 when they weren’t even expected to, all the way to the NLCS.  Joe Madden said it was great they got within 4 games of the World Series, and the young guys got some post-season experience.  He said they should be proud of all they accomplished, and they would be even better in 2016.  He was right.

The most incredible World Series run I have ever seen; an unforgettable World Series; Champions at last.  

The Cubs are not stranger to being behind.  They were down three games to one in the World Series and came all the way back to force a game 7 in Cleveland, which they ultimately won.  This year, they should have been able to clinch the NLDS at home in Chicago, but an unexpected off day allowed the Nationals to start Stephen Strasburg twice, and both times he was dominant.  So the Cubs clinched it in Washington, in a nail-biter that they barely pulled out.  

Now they are down again, two games to none.  But they were exhausted after that late game in Washington, crossing three time zones, and a five-hour flight delay.  Now they have an off day, and then they will be home, in Chicago.  I have full confidence that they could come back.  But I have also accepted the possibility that they might not.  The Dodgers have been incredible all year, they have an amazing team, and if the Cubs lose to them, they will have lost to a worthy opponent.  I hope, with all my heart, the Cubs repeat and go back to the World Series.  I wholeheartedly hope the post-season magic continues.  We don’t know how long Joe Maddon will manage the Cubs.  We don’t know what will happen next year.  So I really want this to continue as long as possible.  But if they lose, I will not be crushed.  They had a good year, a great run, and they should be proud of all they have accomplished.  Making the post season three years in a row, winning the World Series, breaking a 108-year drought… that is incredible.  

Go Cubs.  

Rich Mullins: The Lonely Sailor

I recently discovered a lesser known song recorded by Rich Mullins called “Ready for the Storm.”  The song has a lot of repeating riffs, yet it still feels complex.  I love the arrangement.  I guess Rich Mullins was not the writer, and this was originally a “secular” song.  But Rich Mullins said at the last concert where he sang this, “I think it’s impossible for a song to be secular.  Nothing is more Godly about people than our ability to make music...”  That was just how Rich thought.  He took some of the thoughts that were prevalent in mainstream Christianity (such as the sacred-secular divide) and turned them on their ear.  When I look at what he said, though, I think he got it pretty right.  

“The waves roll in the tide rolls out
It’s an angry sea but there is no doubt
The lighthouse will keep shining out
To warn a lonely sailor…”

Two of Rich Mullin’s key albums are simply titled “Songs” and “Songs 2”.  The stark simplicity of the titles amply fit the man.  The last album Rich Mullins was preparing to record before his death contained ten songs about the life of Jesus.  It would later come to be called “The Jesus Album.”  Rich went to a little abandoned church with a cheap cassette recorder, and on a piano there he played and sang the ten songs he planned to use for the Jesus album.  He did this on September 10, 1997.

“And the lightening strikes

And the wind cuts cold

Through the sailor’s bones

Through the sailor’s soul…”

Nine days after this, on September 19, 1997, Rich Mullins was driving to a benefit concert with a friend.  Shortly thereafter the world was shocked to hear the vehicle they were driving spun out of control.  Rich’s friend suffered severe injuries, but would ultimately recover; Rich Mullins never made it out.  He passed from this life at age 42 - much too soon.  

“Oh I am ready for the storm,

Yes sir ready

I am ready for the storm

I’m ready for the storm…”

I was first exposed to the music of Rich Mullins through the influence of my oldest brother.  I was always struck by it.  There was something about Mullin’s music that seemed different, though I couldn’t put my finger on the reason at the time.  As I grew older I began to learn more about Rich Mullin’s life.  To my surprise, I found out that Rich Mullins tended to live a very simple life.  He spent the last several years of his life living in a hogan on the Navajo reservation in New Mexico.  At one point he would say, “Christianity is not about building an absolutely secure little niche in the world… Christianity is about learning to love like Jesus loved and Jesus loved the poor and Jesus loved the broken-hearted.”    

“Oh give me mercy for my dreams

‘Cause every confrontation seems to tell me

What it really means

To be this lonely sailor…”

Rich Mullins was, by his own admission, a loner.  The term he used was ‘ragamuffin.’  He had some difficulties in his life - a tough relationship with his father, a broken engagement - and he wrestled a lot with his own weakness and sin.  Those who knew him often spoke of his genuineness, the simplicity of the life he lead, and the trouble he had with the American evangelical church.  The reason I resonate with Rich Mullins so much is that I have many of those same problems.  The Jesus I see in the Bible was hard for me to find in the American church.  Hard, but not impossible.     

“And when the sky begins to clear

The sun it melts away my fear

And I shed a silent weary tear

For those who mean to love me…”

One of my favorite quotes from Rich Mullins comes from a talk he gave at Wheaton College, just five short months before his death.  He is talking about the story of the rich young ruler found in the gospel of Mark.  He mentions how this guy was a student and probably a politician, and no doubt he wanted to ask this impressive question.  But instead he asks the most repeated question in all the gospels, “what must I do to have eternal life?”  The ironic thing is that Jesus had just gotten through answering this.  Rich goes on to say, “[Mark] says that Jesus looked at the man… even though we’re so arrogant that we don’t even listen to God, God is so humble that he looks at us.  That he takes note of us.  He’s not impressed by our questions and by our answers.  But he’s quite taken with us… maybe, it’s more important that we know Jesus, than anything else in the world.”  

“The distance is no real friend

And time will take its time

And you will find that in the end

It brings you me…”

I don’t think a person ever quite gets over a death like Rich Mullin’s.  So sudden, shocking, and unexpected.  At the age of 42, there is great sorrow for the years we wish Rich could have had.  But it only took him 42 years to leave behind a full legacy.  His legacy of songs, words, and most importantly, of a life that was sold out for God.  Rich said that Jesus is quite taken with us… but Rich was also quite taken with Jesus, and his life imitated the simplicity of the Savior he loved so much.  

“And when you take me by the hand

And you love me, Lord, you love me

And I should have realized

I have no reason to be frightened…”

Rich Mullins was ready for the storm, even though the storm was swift and unexpected.  And now he is safely on the other side, enjoying eternal sunshine in the presence of his Savior.  In a life that is never guaranteed for any of us, I hope my legacy is as full when it is my time to go.  I find myself challenged by many of the words of Rich Mullins.  Challenged to seek Jesus in simplicity.  And then to take what I learn and reach out to those around me, always looking for and finding Jesus in the unexpected places.  Because the kingdom of heaven is different from anything we would expect… and that is a secret Rich Mullins learned well.  

“Oh I am ready for the storm

Yes sir, ready

I am ready for the storm

Yes sir, ready…”

After Rich Mullins’ death, the tape of songs for the “Jesus” record was discovered.  A group of artists who called themselves “The Ragamuffin Band” went forward with the project, producing “The Jesus Album” which included all ten of the original songs Rich had wanted, plus one more.  The record includes two CD’s, one with The Ragamuffin Band’s recordings of the songs, and a CD that includes the original recordings Rich made at that abandoned church.  My favorite song on “The Jesus Album” is called “That Where I am There You May Also Be.”  On it they took the recording Rich made of this song, and digitally dubbed his voice in with Michael W. Smith to produce the final song.  The last lines of the song go, “In the world you will have trouble, but I leave you my peace, that where I am there you may also be…”

Death was not the final word for Rich Mullins.  

Jesus was.

Mandy Harvey

I can’t even tell you how much this woman has inspired me.  

This is Mandy Harvey-- she is a deaf singer.  

Mandy started singing at the age of four.  She had a beautiful voice and a great ear for pitch, and all her life she desired to pursue a career in music.  However, Mandy has a connective tissue disorder, and her freshman year of college she got sick with what she thought was simply an ear infection.  Instead, the nerves in her ears deteriorated, and within six months she had lost her hearing.  

When I first heard this story, I couldn’t get over how unbelievably devastating that is.  To love music so much and then lose your ability to hear it, how horrible.  

But there is more to her story.  

Eventually Mandy decided to see if she could get back into music.  With the use of visual tuners and muscle memory, she began to sing again.  She follows the rhythm of the music by feeling the vibrations in the floor.  Her voice is amazing.  If you listen to her sing, you would never know she is deaf, and she has one of the most beautiful voices I ever heard.  I decided to do some google and youtube-ing on her.  I found out that she mostly sings Jazz, and she has a couple albums.  (This blew my mind even more, because of all the genres of music to sing, I think jazz would be one of the hardest because of the rhythm.)  I also found out that she is a Christian, and there is a video of her giving her testimony.  

Guys, it’s incredible.  

When she lost her hearing she fell into a deep depression because, as she said, her whole identity was wrapped up in music.  When she lost that, it was like she died.  Eventually she got involved in the Deaf community and learned American Sign Language.  She found other people who had similar stories and she slowly got back on her feet again.  She said she had intended to teach jazz, she never intended to be a performer.  But she decided to sing a song for an audience one time and after it was over, as she was driving home, she had a realization. She realized that she had faced her worst fear.  Her worst fear was losing her hearing, and she had gotten through that.  If she sang in front of audiences and they didn’t like it, so what?  And just like that, God removed her fear of performing.  She began giving more performances and put out her albums, and she got many opportunities to share her story and encourage others through it.  

At the end of the day, she said, she feels like she trusts God more.  The thing she feared most in the world happened, and God helped her get through it.  This world is broken, life is never going to be perfect-- but God is there, and God redeems.  She is happy with her life, she loves sharing music with others, and her faith is stronger than before.

At first, I was blown away by this.  How could that be possible?  But then I remembered my own experience, my own testimony.  I got pregnant, and my worst fear was losing the baby.  That happened.  And God helped me get through it.  Now, looking back, I am thankful that God allowed that to happen.  This world is broken, and life is never perfect-- but God redeems.  

Suddenly, I understood.  My experience was not the same.  But the feeling I had was.  There is no way this could happen.  And God asking, will you trust me if it does?  That journey of faith is hard-- that struggle is unbelievably difficult.  But I’m so glad God allowed me to walk through it.  

Now, Mandy Harvey worships in Sign Language.  When she sings, she also signs, which makes me so happy.  I have felt for years that ASL is my “heart language”, it is the language where I can express myself so much better, and clearer, than in English.  It is the language I prefer to worship in.  It just speaks to me on such a deep level.  So when I see Mandy and hear her sing, not only do I hear her beautiful voice, but I am also blessed by watching her sign.  

It still blows my mind when I think of all the challenges that Mandy has to overcome to do what she does.  On one of the facebook posts I was reading, a woman wrote that Mandy goes to her church and often helps with worship.  I had to think about that really hard.  It is so casually mentioned.  “She helps out with worship a lot.”  Mandy can’t hear.  How does she know, when she is singing with other people, that they are singing the same thing at the same time?  How does she learn new songs?  What about when there are impromptu breaks in the songs for prayer or a few words?  How on earth does she do this?  I have no idea.  It is so easy to casually mention, but the magnitude of what she has to overcome to do this is mind blowing.  

Mandy says she shares her music because she loves to bless others.  Mandy literally goes around blessing others with her incredible voice and beautiful music-- and she can’t hear a note.  It has been a difficult and challenging season, and reading a story like this inspires me so, so much.   

I first heard of her because she auditioned for America’s Got Talent, and earned Simon’s golden buzzer.  She will be singing again on at the live show tonight, and if you all could vote for her, that would be amazing!  This incredible young lady deserves it.  

Broken

Broken.  Weak.  Tired.  Sorrowful.  Emotional.  Mess.  

These are all words that come to mind when I think of where I’m at currently.  

It has been such a hard season.  The loss of dear friends, has caused me such grief.  Greater than I even realized.  All of the changes-- so abrupt, so overwhelming.  And the conflicts James and I have had because of our stress and worry.  

It has built and built.  All of the emotion.  Until I finally just have nothing left.  Last week I reached a breaking point.  

But I reached out-- and thankfully kind hands caught me and lifted me out of despair, pointing me toward truth.  

I feel like I am slowly healing.  

I am still a mess.  I still fall apart emotionally, so easily.  So many deep emotions lurking just below the surface.  But.  I am finally coming out of this valley.  

Our kind pastor reminded me of my identity.  When I am falling apart emotionally, he pointed me to this chapter, Ephesians 1.  In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.  

There is no condemnation.  I am God’s princess.  I am dearly loved-- by God first and foremost.  But also by my family.  My family-- who have had so much grace and patience for me this week.  

This difficult season will pass.  I am beginning to see the light.  

Finding My New Identity

A year and a half ago God did a strange thing.  He changed my personality.  

Of course, all my life I have gone through gradual changes, I am always changing and growing.  

But to go through a big personality change, all at once, is a strange experience.  

He took away paralyzing fear and timidity that I have battled with all my life, and gave me a boldness and courage that I have never felt before.  

But as time goes by, I am realizing He did more than that.  My whole personality has changed.  My interests, my passions.  I feel like I am learning to know myself all over again.  It has felt a bit daunting.  Once again being in a place where I don’t know who I am, and I need to discover my identity anew.  I don’t even know where to start.  Now that I am aware of this I am keeping my eyes open.  But I just keep feeling how strange it is to be a completely different person than I used to be.  

My taste in books and music has changed.  Almost everything I used to read was fiction.  Now I am reading biographies like they are novels, and loving it.  Delving more into history and thoroughly enjoying it.  Musical artists I used to love have fallen by the wayside, while bands like Two Steps from Hell, Skillet, U2, and Newsboys have come to the forefront.  I used to think I could never get a tattoo; I didn’t even like them very much.  Now I love them.  I find them fascinating.  And I really want to get one (or multiple.)  If James were to agree.  

But this whole process has been a learning curve for him, too.  He never expected to have a wife who wanted a tattoo; now he does, and he is working through that.  He now has a wife who is struggling with her personal identity; who is, in fact, going through an identity crisis and the ups and downs of emotion that accompany it are not easy to deal with.  

I keep discovering more and more about myself; but at the same time I feel strangely adrift, like I don’t know who I am anymore.  I love what God is doing; but it is scary not knowing who you are.   This has effected my writing, too, in that I am not sure what I want to write. What interested me before interests me still, somewhat, but I also feel a strange restlessness inside that I haven't been able to decipher. Like God wants me to write something specific, and I don't know what it is. So I am searching, searching, but so far, not sure what it is. Trying to persevere through it.